Storm report

I find myself alone in the family room this evening.  Hubby has gone to bed with a nasty headache - hope he is not getting a migraine.  My lovely daughters have gone to their bedrooms, never really sure of when they go to bed or sleep.  So here I am on my own.

I have the television on which is currently showing the nightly news.  The top story is the storms that swept across the south.  My eyes see the ominous clouds, the swirling clouds, debris flying.  My eyes see the destruction, the houses turned to match sticks.  My ears hear the reports of devastation and loss of life, the lives ruined, entire communities gone.  My mind has much more trouble comprehending.

Much like the lack of comprehension I felt as I watched the tsunami and destruction a month ago.  What I see on the screen does not make sense to my mind.  Maybe it is the desensitization of watching so much media throughout my life, knowing that much of what I watch is fictional and amazing special effects.  Maybe that is why my mind says,  "That can't be real."

Yet I am completely aware this is not fictional television.  This is real  - - this has actually happened.  People's lives have been lost and ruined.  Entire communities are suffering.  Whole sections of the country are in shambles to a very powerful storm system that spawned many, many tornadoes for nearly 4 hours over a large area covering multiple states.

For those of you in that area, please know I have prayed for you today.  I am keenly aware of powerful storms living in the upper mid-west.  I have hid in the basement more than once.  I have witnessed huge trees toppled and homes damaged.  I have had nearby neighborhoods destroyed.  I can comprehend some but not all of what you have gone through these past couple of days.

Praying that you will find rays of hope in the destruction.  Praying that there is is a silver lining.  Praying for those coming to serve you and to help you recover.  Praying....

Opinions

The weather is lousy, dreary and cold.  One wonders if Spring can ever arrive.  If I think about it, it is better than winter.  The temperatures are not dipping below 30 (F) too much anymore.  That is better than negative temperatures.  The snow has melted, something I wasn't sure could happen prior to July.  I am not wearing a parka and boots to walk out the door.  I guess it is Spring-like weather, well maybe.  Last night's snow showers aren't very Spring-like in my opinion.  But no one asked me.

I do have opinions.  Some may think a few too many.  I guess I tend to share them.  Allot of the times, I am only sharing, not really expecting a change.  Most situations, in my opinion, I have a better idea.  Which in reality may not be a better idea.  Especially if I am not in on all the details.  Sometimes, I just find whatever it is inconvenient to me, but if it works for you, fine.  Other times I will impart my humble opinion about whatever and how I plan to make it work for me.  What works for you is fine too.  We all have opinions some of us just tend to share them more openly than others.

I suppose I would serve myself greatly by just staying quiet and keeping those opinions to myself.  I have been working on that quality.  Those of you who know me right now are probably laughing hysterically.  But wouldn't you  want to get inside my head.  You would be shocked at everything that I don't say or share.  In fact, in my humble opinion, I believe I am quiet.  Especially when compared to all the thoughts that go through my mind.  So much I don't say ... I really am a quiet person.  :)

So many times, I have it all figured out, in my humble opinion.  If only I had been consulted.  Ha ha.  So many people and entities just don't seem to ask for my wisdom.  It is baffling sometimes.  (please hear the sarcasm here)  Mother Nature never asks me for input.  I think I know when I would like it sunny, rainy, cold, etc.  Really, I would just like the weather to fall within the 'set' seasons.  You know, Spring Equinox was March 21 - - so where is Spring?  I can usually cope with the weather within those parameters.  Well, except if I am planning an outdoor activity or the budget is low to pay air conditioning or heating bills, or maybe my mood could use a change.

Anyway... I have an opinion.  It's a humble one.  If you ask, I'll likely tell you.  If you don't want to know, don't ask.  Otherwise, I do my best to listen and keep them to myself or share in private settings with hubby.  Rest assured, he puts me in my place.  He is good at keeping me in line.  In those times, I am really glad I stayed quiet.  :)

Ha ha - - just a fun post.  Have a great day everyone.

Walk, walk, walk

New day today, the sun is shining, the temperature is rising, Spring is making a visit.  Yesterday, was a lovely day for Easter giving winter-weary folks a break.   And it looks as to be extended through today.  Although on the weather forecast, I heard a nasty rumor of more winter like weather mid-week.  Spring is really struggling to wedge out winter. 

With Spring comes the ability to get out to walk regularly.  Which is a good thing for my sorry body condition.  I have let things get out of hand.  12 years ago, I battled the bulge and lost a significant amount of weight.  This winter, I allowed myself to gain a significant of that lost portion back. 

I always fight the bulge... a few pounds, maybe up towards 10 extra.  But this year... oh this year, oh dear.  I am not very happy with myself but these are the consequences of aging, eating, and being lazy.  Now to buckle down and work getting things back under control.

My wonderful walking partner and neighbor is helping me along.   We have been walking for 10-11 year.  Usually at a very early, dark hour of the morning.   It began with the need for me to be home prior to my husband leaving work so my babies wouldn't be alone and her need to get to work.  It has worked out so well, that now, as I do not need to be as concerned for my 'babies' we continue to meet during the non-winter months to walk in the early hours.  Well, that and she still needs to get to work. 

We have seen many wonderful sights.  Beholding the wonder of the skies.  Often we stop in awe and these verses of Psalm 91:1-3 come to mind:

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
² Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
³ They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.

We have seen stars so brilliant on moonless mornings that we have had to stop in adoration.  We have learned to identify a few planets and the difference of them from an airplane *wink wink*.  Meteor showers have been our companions.  During some times of the year, we get observe the beginning of the sunrise as the daylight approaches.  We have even seen the rare Northern Lights (aurora borealis). 

Deer and fox have crossed our path.  One year we skirted so many skunks, we came up with a new parting phrase "may no skunk cross your path."  We've had an owl swoop down silently and close to make us feel it's air as it passed over.  Gave us an opportunity to hold hands too *giggle*.  Another time, a deer ran across the paved road on a particular dark morning.  It startled us right into each others arms, dogs and all. 

Some mornings the moon is so bright and full that we are practically walking in daylight, others are so inky black, it takes all my courage to step out into the darkness.  Especially on the inky black nights we are thankful for our reflective vests and blinking lights.  The vests are to alert sleepy motorists we are on the road and the flashing lights to spot each other as we meet.  Prior to the "flashers" there was more than one frightened occassion as we met, not realizing the other was out there yet.  The "flashers" have eliminated needless heart attacks.

Our morning walks have heard laughter, tears, frustrations, secrets, and many yawns. We have grown in friendship and shared life together one step at a time.  We miss each other through the winter months. It is too icy to risk our necks.  We try to get in weekend, daylight walks during those months.  On the occassional "normal" hours walk, usually on a weekend, we have met neighbors. 

In the early years, we walked nearly everyday.  As the years have gone by and age with responsibilities caught up with us, we have not been as consistent and regular.  But this year... this is the year to get back on track.  At least for me... for crying out loud, I can't wear my clothes.  This is not the new wardrobe I want to buy!

The battle is over ... rest in peace friend.

Some days are hard.  This is one of those days.  Couple of days actually.  I feel absolutely certain that my heart cannot take anymore for a while. 

Today is Easter.  A day set aside to remember and celebrate that Jesus rose from the dead.  He died a cruel, horrible death on a cross for the sin of the world - for my sin.  But the grave could not hold him...three days later he rose and then ascended to sit at the right hand of His Father.    I celebrated with my family, church family, and friends. 

And yet....
My friend M laid languishing in her final battle with Cruetzfeldt-Jakob disease.  I am told Easter is her favorite holiday.  She enjoyed making it special for her family.  But she did not get to enjoy it this year, instead she labored to live.  And now has lost her battle.  She is now with the Risen Savior face to face. 

I am happy for her and sad for us.  She is no longer suffering but we have lost her.   Again - it is so unfair.  My mother's heart is broken.  Her little guys will now forever associate Easter with the death of their mother.  Not fair!

Some come into our lives a short time yet leave a long lasting impression... She'll be missed.  May she rest in peace.

Losing the battle of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease

I have been trying to figure out how to express some thoughts.  Again, another attempt.  Please excuse my rambling, wandering thoughts.

My friend M is fading and slipping away.  It has been over a week since I visited and she lost consciousness only a day and half after I was there.  She has since been moved to hopice.  I am told a beautiful, serene place.


It is hard to watch someone suffer, to watch the ones that love her suffer, to suffer along with them. Something inside me desires her suffering end, which means we lose her. The other part, wants her to stay with us as long as possible. Even so, the dreaded word has come that she likely will pass within a day or so. Why during Easter? Oh, does the family need to have this memory attached to the holiday? I suppose they would anyway, but still.......


Cruetzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD) is known for it's swiftness.  Some may live up to two years.  But not for M, her symptoms appeared just a few five to six weeks ago.  She is slipping away.   No longer seemingly aware of her enviornment, she looks as if she is peacefully sleeping. 

I do not want to consider what is happening to her.  The very thought frightens me.   I pray she is truly peaceful and comfortable.  I pray she can feel the love surrounding her.  I pray she is not afraid, that the God of all comfort is there with her. 


The anger of her diagnosis has faded leaving behind sadness and resignation.  A resignation that there is nothing that can be done.  CJD does not have a cure.


Please pray for M, her family, her friends.  Remember them in the coming days, months, years.  Her boys are young.  They now face the future without  their mother at their side. 

.....  my heart weeps and the tears fall.

Hunger and Hope

This morning, I was sitting on the sofa recovering from our mini-vacation.  Basically being a couch potato.  Still in my pajamas, not moving fast, watching TV, drinking coffee, hanging out on Facebook, and re-stylizing my blog.  How do you like the new look, by the way?   

My husband had asked me yesterday if we had anything going on today, which I responded with a negative, except for the church drama practice in the evening.  So, I was enjoying doing nothing.  It is Spring Break after all. 

On a random whim, I checked my calendar.  It's online, easily accessible from any electronic device in my possession.  I also print it out regularly and post to be viewed by all family members.  My problem is not in putting things on the calendar as much as looking at the calendar.  I am constantly double booking myself or forgetting things because I think I have it all in my head.  I really do need to understand that my memory is not as young and agile as it once was in years past.  Note to self, you are middle aged now, nothing is as it once was.

Anyway, I looked at our calendar only to gasp!  We are signed up to volunteer, as a family, this afternoon at a local food distribution.  Oops!  How did we all forget?  Especially since DD#1 regularly participates in this with school for community service hours.  UGH!  I was not feeling very energized by the thought.  I am pooped!  But we had signed up realizing that with the Easter holiday and Spring Break extra hands are needed. 

We got up off our rear ends and made ready to go.  This being the first time for all us except for DD#1, we were not certain what to expect.  In fact, there was uncertainty as to what time we were to arrive.  We arrived a couple of hours prior to the start of the distribution.  People were already lining up outside the doors, waiting in the cold wind for the food. 

We were put to work opening boxes and redistributing some of the items.  The quantity and selection of the food was impressive.  Frozen items, produce, meat, canned good, even some children's birthday bags.  All the volunteers were gathered shortly before door opening.  We were given brief instructions and we prayed.

For over 90 minutes we handed out food to hundreds of people.   Each time I looked up from my station of handing out canned goods, I saw a constant stream of people, it did not seem to end.  Young, old, tired, every ethnicity, every walk of life and in my community.  A few times I looked into the face of someone that could be me.  On the street, anywhere else,  I would never guess they were any more needy than I.  A few that I know personally came through: some helping others, some for themselves. 

I did my best to offer a smile and a kind word to each one that came through, treating each with the dignity they deserve.   Some were trying to hide being uncomfortable going through the line, others were too tired and weary to care what anyone thought of them.  Some did not speak English well, as I was handing out an item that is a definite like or dislike, I did my best to communicate with them to give them option of taking it or not. 

Once I found my rhythm in handing out the items, I had a chance to purposefully and specifically pray.  I prayed to see each of them with the eyes of Jesus.  That my words and actions would convey the love of Jesus.  I prayed each would find hope and a bit of cheer.  That there would be something... a word or item in the cart that would give them joy on this Easter holiday.  I pray that each would know Jesus' love and joy.

There are hurting people everywhere, from every walk of life.  Poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, every race.  Our current economy is finding more in the area of need.  Some who never thought they would be in such a position.  Frankly, we are just one job away from being in a very similar predicament.  I am thankful everyday for the my husband's job and all that it provides for our family.  It is not something to take for granted.

For many years, my family has packaged food with an organization called Feed My Starving Children.  (www.fmsc.org) We have helped to feed starving children around the world.  This gives us the opportunity to help those in our community, in our backyard, those that are not that very different from our own family.

Will I return?  Yes.  It is hard work, my body aches from shifting and moving canned goods.  But that is nothing, I will recover soon.  It is a minuscule sacrifice to know that a simple act can bring hope.

Mini-vacation

The past few days, we have had an opportunity to be together, exclusively, as a family.  We have taken a mini-vacation.  Our children are teenagers, our time as parents with them is fleeting.  I am all too aware they will be quickly leave our home, leaving us an empty nest.  As a result, my husband and I, have been making deliberate occasions to be together and 'make memories'.  This has become even more important for me these past few weeks, as my friend M lays in hospice losing her battle with Crueztfeld-Jakob disease. I have been, unfortunately, made completely aware, the uncertainty of life.

Initially we thought we would return to the Rocky Mountains.  We traveled through them last spring and all of us, to the last person, fell in love with the Rockies!  But this spring season has been filled with late spring snows. Coupled with the face that we only had just under a week for our vacation, we decided it was too far a drive and too risky of weather to make the trip in April.

Our youngest daughter suggested Wisconsin Dells.  I wasn't overly keen on the idea initially.  We had been to the Dells when the children were quite young.  We discovered that our children were not the 'fish' that my husband and I had been as children.  I had also done previous investigation into the water-park hotels in years past.  I had sticker shock to the prices.

But upon her suggestion, we once again checked it out.  I still had sticker shock, but we are in a different place in our life with a little more disposable income than years ago.  Our children are older and likely would enjoy the slides water activities.  In the next moment, we had booked ourselves a mini-vacation at one of the largest water park resorts in the Dells.

We arrived an bit prior to official check-in time but were allowed to check-in.  We booked a standard room - two queen beds.  We got our luggage and made our way to the door.  Upon entering, we were in for a treat.  Instead of the standard room, we stood in a two room suite, complete with a king bed, two queen beds, two bathrooms, two TVs, a sofa, a fireplace, and a deck.  Wow!  What a surprise.  I was sure a mistake had been made, but I was not about to complain, as long as my bill didn't change!!  Each child had a bed, and hubby and I had the comfort of a large king bed, as well as a bit of privacy.

We have spent three days, blasting through water tubes, floating down the lazy river, riding the waves in the wave pool, playing water basketball, and recovering our aging bodies in the hot tub.  But that is not all!  As well as the water-park, there is an indoor amusement park complete with a Ferris Wheel, go-carts, laser tag, mini-golf, climbing wall, ropes course, and arcade.  This was included in our package deal!  Bowling is an extra charge. 

I have discovered, I am NOT as young as I use to be, nor am I in shape anymore.  Hubby and I are beat physically.  But it is worth it.  We have played with our children, laughed together, and 'made some memories.'

Our final day here in the Dells, it is snowing...  confirmation we should not be in the mountains.  The fireplace is our spot together this final evening.  The snow is falling and accumulating.  Oh, this is the upper mid-west. 

The resort is complete with restaurants, spa, salon, & entertainment.  Maybe we should just stay until winter departs for good.

Thinking aloud a.k.a. talking to myself

I have always thought out loud or talked to myself.  I am the youngest child of three.  But since my siblings are several years older than I, I was kinda of on my own - growing up as a youngest/only.  I remember lying in bed at night, talking to all my friends ... stuffed animals.  I sang to them, told them stories, shared my secrets,  and held bed time parties.  During the day my dolls and friends had picnics, played school, and had tea parties.  This must be where I got my start in thinking aloud.

I am certain I annoyed my older siblings with this trait. Bwwwaaa ha ha.  Just doing my job effectively as a younger sibling.  I always had company in the form of me, myself, and I. 

Somehow I made it through my school years.  There I had peers in which to converse and I did so!  My report cards were filled will comments of "talks too much."  I maintained good grades and proved to be a good student so I didn't get into too much trouble.

Usually in public, my talking aloud is limited to scolding or encouraging myself.  Or making an auditory list of things I need to get done.  I have discovered I am an auditory learner - - talking aloud helps me immensely.  Much to my dismay, my oldest daughter has the same need and talks aloud.  So now I get her running commentary which really fouls up my own thinking.  LOL

Upon entering the professional world as an adult is where I ran into a few issues with my self-talk.   Apparently people don't want to hear me scold myself for doing something stupid or announcing the next step of the process, or cheering for a job well done.   Cubicles do not provide much privacy or sound barrier.  I don't think I'm too loud - - just kinda of a running commentary. I have had to learn to silence my self-talk.

But it is immense fun to walk through the grocery store talking with me.  Complete strangers will take up conversation with me.  See?  No longer alone.  Or I have achieved the goal of being left alone and having the aisle to myself.  ;)

The real trouble comes when having an argument with myself and losing.  Really, how can I loose an argument with myself?  Me tries to intervene but myself and I can silence her rather quickly with chocolate.  I am never alone...

But really, I am more normal than most.   *grin*

Social Media

I am, admittedly, addicted to Facebook. I am connect to it all the time, I feel compelled to check it frequently, keep up with my friends and activities. I find myself 'hanging out' there when bored.  I have been distracted by it and failed to get things done.  I have thought this addiction not very healthy and have seriously considered dropping my account. No one should be this 'attached' to an impersonal environment on the internet. 

Facebook has been accused of being impersonal and false. Yes, individuals pretend to be something they are not on-line. Real-life relationships are not the same as on-line relationships. For good and bad they are just not the same.  Words on a screen does not show voice inflection or body language. Some things are taken as offence when meant in jest. Hurt feelings run amok. Some fall in like or love with a personality only to meet in real-life the complete opposite. The internet is a mask that covers all body language and does not reveal truth or lies.

This past few weeks, I have seen the positive side of social media.  As a friend has fallen ill with a swift moving, fatal disease, the social media has allowed her friends to connect all around the world.  The internet has provided a way to share information on her condition, to share our concern with her and her family, to pay tribute to her.

I am watching as the concentric circles of her friends grow, take up the cry on heaven's doors on behalf of my friend and family.  I have gained some friends through this on-line connection.  We have shared each other's pain and encouraged one another.

It may be impersonal but so much less fatiguing that making many, many phone calls. Many more people are aware as the immediacy and the scope of the internet. In fact, people world wide are aware of the situation.


I have been able to connect with family who live around the world.  Find friends from my youth and of days gone.  Finding people has been one of my greatest thrills.  I have even met a few new people, through mutual friends.  I have shared joys, sorrows, achievements, and disappointments.  I have had the opportunity to respond to a friend's need and promote causes I believe are worthy.  I have seen pictures of places I have not been able to travel.  I have gotten advice - it is a perfect environment in which to ask, does anyone know.....?   In a moment, I can share with all my friends. 


Yes, there are pitfalls to social media, no doubt. I agree with some of the naysayers. But there are also positives. As with everything in life - - everything in moderation. It applies to nutritional diets as well as social media, television, or any other vice.  Now  to tame the addiction in my own life and bring it back into moderation.

Guilt of a normal life

It is a new day.  I almost feel guilty for going about my day in a normal way.  Everything seems to be alright, I am healthy, my family is healthy, we are not suffering any significant crisis.  Really, my biggest complaint is that weather isn't very spring-like today and my niece doesn't like to have her diaper changed.

Today I get to spend the day with my husband, DD#2, and baby niece.  DD#1 will return from school this afternoon.  Later in the evening we are scheduled to meet friends for a fish fry.  I'm sure it will be an enjoyable evening.   Soon it is Spring break for our family and we are looking forward to a few days together on mini-vacation, a break from the routine. 

It is not fair that everything is normal for me.  When nothing is okay or normal for M or her family.  They are facing the harsh reality that we are mortal beings.  It is so incredibly unfair. 

Today my heart is aching for her children.  How will they do in school today?  Can they focus?  Is their homework complete?  Did someone give them a hug on their way out the door?   Do they have a lunch?  Who's doing laundry?  All these 'Mom' concerns....  life will never be the same for these boys.  Makes me sad.

As I look forward with anticipation to the future, I know they are likely dreading the future.  The boys are young, but discerning.  I am certain they understand the gravity of the situation even if they don't understand what is happening.  After all, all the adults around them are sad.  People they haven't seen or never met are showing up. 

The boys were there as I visited the other day.  We all put on a face of being strong.  The 12 year old made us laugh at his technology prowess as we adults struggled with it.  The 8 year old found the candy and added decorations to the door.  Acting much like they should at those ages.  Yet, my mother's eye saw their confusion, their uncertainty, the anxiety of the unknown and lack of understanding.  They were so tender with their mom, hovering near her bed, stroking her arm, and probably wishing we, her friends, would leave so they could have time alone with her.  I know they were wishing she would be fine and return home with them.

I was touched by the beautiful flower in M's hair.  That was a gift of her youngest son.  It took away some of the austerity of the situation.  Such a thoughtful act for the mom he loves. 

I attempted to draw the older child out by asking him of school.  Even though M cannot communicate the way she use to, it was evident she was interested in what he had to say.  We discussed his studies and carried on a conversation.   

Each time one of the boys drew near, M would follow them, her facial features would soften, or sometimes have a look of consternation with something she so wanted to communicate.  She loves having them near her.  When she couldn't find them in the room later, she seemed to have a bit of anxiety but relaxed when we told her they went home so they could attend school the next day.

So, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I can hug my children while she can't any longer; guilty that I can continue to care for mine as she is losing the ability to care for hers.  Guilty that I can't do anything to make it better.  Guilty that I can look to the future and plan. 

I am resolving to make the most of moments as much as possible.  To tell my family that I love them, appreciate them, cherish them.  Share my "wisdom" that I want to share, now while I can... one never knows when that opportunity will vanish.

CJD is a cruel, wretched disease.  It is unfair.

CJD, Friendship, Compassion

Yesterday, I encountered Cruetzfeld-Jakob Disease face-to-face. My heart was already hurting for my friend M and knew she was suffering. I read about the disease on-line and I followed M through our mutual friend C who had been visiting and keeping in close contact with M's husband. Yet, nothing prepares you entirely for the personal encounter.

I approached her room rather timidly. In a few of the other rooms, a television was playing or people were visiting. But mostly the ward is quiet. Not sure who or exactly what I would find, I made my way down the hall. C had alerted me that M was no longer able to verbally communicate and easily startled. C had been with her most of the day so I knew I would find her.

I was, frankly, stunned. This disease has robbed M of her vibrancy, her motor functions, ... her voice. Just a few weeks ago she was running errands, caring for her family, can this really happen this rapidly? She entered the hospital a few days ago under her own power.

I had trepidation prior to my arrival as it has been some time since our last real life contact. It is not clear how much M understands or remembers. Would my presence bring confusion and anxiety or would it be appreciated? I certainly did not want to add to her level of anxiety. Honestly, if it were not for the fact that C was there, I likely would have stayed home.

At the room's threshold I found M's husband, two boys, C, and two other ladies. Everyone greeted my warmly and introductions were quickly made for all. Yet the picture that made the biggest impression was the picture of friendship and compassion. C was at M's bedside, holding M's hands which were balled up tight into fists and helping M to gently lower her arms. C quickly explained to me that M had just been moved from the chair into the bed. C was helping her relax to lower her arms.

This picture of compassion and friendship continued through my entire visit. M would look to C for assurance or explanation. M tried with telepathy, intense stares to communicate. C would quietly assure her and console her. She only stepped away from her bedside to eat and take a short break. Her acts of compassion stayed focused until M feel asleep. Holding her hand and keeping her attention on her until C was certain M was sleeping as peacefully as one with CJD is able.

I am humbled to have C as a friend. I admire her so much for her loyalty, compassion, and love for her dear friend. I came home to look up the word compassion:

• Definition of COMPASSION: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

This definition falls short of what I witnessed yesterday. A picture of C at M's bedside would give a much more complete definition.


God fashioned our days even before we existed (Ps. 139:16), and we exist now only because “the breath of the Almighty gives [us] life” (Job 33:4). Though we don’t know how many breaths we have left—we can rest in the knowledge that He does.

Cruel realities of CJD - It is NOT fair

So I am now on a new day of trying to 'wrap my head around' my friend's illness, Cruetzfeld-Jakob Disease - see previous post.

I still have such a strong feeling of injustice. As an acquaintance, my current socialization with M is primarily through Facebook. Our last encounter, at a mutual friend's home a few years ago. I am not at all sure, in her current condition if she will recognize or remember me. Certainly her young boys don't know me anymore. That being said, I have enjoyed her friendship and her funny wit. As we both consider our mutual friend a best friend, that makes the two of us friends by default.

My current position in this crisis in M's life is to be a friend of prayer and to support our mutual friend - C. C has a big role in M's life right now, being a point person of communication for family and friends, as well as handling details of her life as business owner. My own heart breaks for M and for C. Witnessing friends suffer is not a pleasurable experience.

So disturbing throughout this process, is the rapid deterioration of M. This has taken place at seemingly lightning speed. There hasn't been time discussion, for planning, for.... saying good-bye.

Other disturbing instances have occured, such as, her moments of clarity and ability to speak. She speaks in context and has indicated that she knows what is going on around her. I can think of very few things more undesirable than being trapped inside my mind. M is intelligent, creative, bold, vocal, articulate... oh to be trapped, what kind of cruel joke is this being played?

It makes me want to vent! The bottled up emotions, the sense of unfairness. It is all too close to home. She is in my peer group - could this happen to my family? But that is self thinking - - M, her family, and C need support right now.

My sense of empathy is strong so my mind races through questions. Things to the effect of: Why? Why now? What about her new dream home that she is suppose to move into this weekend? What of her boys - - can they understand, is there someone to hug them? Doesn't she deserve the opportunity to live out her dreams of a beautiful home, watching her children grow, being old with her husband, being a friend, cultivating memories?

A friend from highschool really helped me in assisting in putting things into perspective of the unfairness: Quoting "...the only thing that makes life "fair" is that the Savior suffered for all of us so that He would know what we are going through and can carry some of the pain as we allow Him to take it. Remember that he will be carrying your friend and her family when they are unable to walk. Keep the faith!"

Yes, it is completely unfair that Jesus, who lived a short perfect life as man. He was God and Man at the same time. Innocent and punished for the sins of all mankind that started in the Garden of Eden with the "fall of man". Nothing much more brutal than to be beaten beyond recognition, and to die a horrible, painful death on the cross. And for what crime? The sin of the world.

My hope, my inner joy, is that death could not conquer, could not hold Him down. He defeated death by rising from the grave. Bringing hope to all who believe in Him. That He, Jesus, God's son, lived, died, and rose again. If we are to believe in Him we can have the hope and assurance of living in eternity with Him in heaven.

We are not promised an easy road on earth. Reading the Bible is evident of that... biblical men and women suffered and toiled here on this earth. A commentary/study book I began reading this morning on the biblical book Ruth of affirmed this by stating:

An honest reading [of the Bible] also reveals a God who doesn't explain himself. He didn't tell Job about his earlier conversation with Satan and he didn't give Naomi three good reasons why her world fell apart. Both sufferers went to their graves with their whys unanswered and the ache of their losses still intact. But somehow, because they met God in their pain, both also gained a deeper kind of trust in him that weathers adversity and refuses to let go of God.

The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules by Carolyn Custis James.

It does not make the pain of these trying times any less painful. But the knowledge that God does infact have everything in control is comforting. I need to remember, He does not have any need to explain anything to me.

Continuing to pray....

Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease

Until the other day, I had not previously heard of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Ignorance is bliss according to an old adage. I wish I was still ignorant of this wretched disease. I have come familiar with it as an acquaintance-friend has received this as a diagnosis.

My friend M is an outgoing, bubbly, creative, vivacious lady with two young sons. A few weeks ago she started to behave out of the character. Finally she was brought in by her husband for an evaluation. Two hospital stays, several mis-diagnoses later, we are sadden to learn the realities of this horrible disease.

Some information from http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/cjd/detail_cjd.htm:
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) is a rare, degenerative, invariably fatal brain disorder. It affects about one person in every one million people per year worldwide; in the United States there are about 200 cases per year. CJD usually appears in later life and runs a rapid course. Typically, onset of symptoms occurs about age 60, and about 90 percent of individuals die within 1 year. In the early stages of disease, people may have failing memory, behavioral changes, lack of coordination and visual disturbances. As the illness progresses, mental deterioration becomes pronounced and involuntary movements, blindness, weakness of extremities, and coma may occur.

M is not the same wonderful person we all know from just a few weeks past. She is now having coordination problems, personality changes, and losing the ability to communicate.

I want to scream: HOW IS THIS FAIR?!?! She is young, she has children, she is nice, she is my friend! How does one who lives in my community, live in my sphere of influence contract a rare and horrible disease? How can I, little ole me, know one person in a million with this disease? This is not right. Those young boys should remember their mom for who she was not what she is becoming. Dang it - they deserve their mother period.

I am angry, I am sad, I am praying. In these times, I am so thankful for my personal relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father God. I know that He hears my prayers, feels my pain, and walks beside me. I don't understand and then I am reminded... My ways not His ways; my thoughts are not His thoughts. [Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.] But still.... I want to understand, I want it to be fair, I want to bad things of this world to go away!

But I can pray - my God is a God of miracles. He is Almighty, the Great I Am, the Everlasting. As I struggle with my own sense of injustice I try to remind myself that I do not know the whole picture. I cannot see the past or the future or the other surrounding issues. Only God knows all these things - - He is the only one to weave these things together for His Righteousness and glory.

An easy pill to swallow - No! An act of faith - Yes!

My prayers are for M, for her family, for her friends...

My children's education

I am not the person that follows the crowd. Not sure that I have ever been that person. I remember as a teen desiring to have the "right" clothes, friends, talents. But I never did have those things due to budgets and personality. Maybe this is why today, I am still doing things in my own style.

I did not figure that my children's education would fall into this category. As I grew up everyone I knew went to the local public school. There were a few that attended the private school, but I met those students when they entered our highschool upon graduating 8th grade and the private school. Many of my peers continued their education in college. I did not follow that path. I did get a few credits but I began working full time to support myself and live on my own. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up (still don't) and decided to wait upon college until I figured that out. I saved myself a large amount of debt.

I got married and had children. As where to send my precious little people to school as they approached kindergarten age came into question. I visited the local elementary school. The same elementary that I attended beginning in the 4th grade. I met the staff, teachers, and observed classroom learning. I visited the private school. I did some preliminary investigation into homeschooling. I prayed, I stewed, I worried, I discussed, and prayed some more. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of sending my nearly 6 year old away for an entire day everyday. I didn't like the smell of the school (it hadn't changed from my childhood). Yet, DH and I came to the conclusion that the public school was the place my precious, oldest child should attend.

Why not the private school or homeschool? The private school is pricey. Our funds were limited and we decided the education wasn't significantly better than the elementary school which our taxes were already providing for our community. Homeschool was a rather new concept for both of us. Although my dear friend, matron of honor in our wedding, had been homeschooled, we just did not know enough nor understand the idea. Add to that our beloved, oldest child is rather ironed will and there was concern about the battles that would ensure over ABCs and 123s.

Off she went on the big, yellow bus. I cried, I sighed, I anxiously awaited her arrival home. The day was long. 8:30 - 4:45 including transportation time. She came home tired, a little ornery, and not learning much new. My oldest began reading at 4 years old. Kindergarten wasn't very interesting or challenging. I began picking her up from school to shorten her day. School ended at 3:30 (ish). Living 4.5 miles from the school, I failed to understand the 1+ hour bus ride. Just a few our beginning frustrations with "the system."

I won't go into all the details. Suffice it to say, we were dissatisfied and wanted better for our children. By the end of 1st grade, we made a decision to take on the responsibility to educate our children at home. Our youngest child never did attend the local elementary school.

During the next 8 years I have had the privilege of watching my children grow, learn, and discover. Step by step, I was there as they learned reading, writing, arithmetic and more. Such joy and yes, frustrations. We had great fun with field trips, less fun learning the fine art of writing. Math came easy for one and not quite easy for another. The sibling arguments were and are fatiguing. The sibling creative efforts were and are inspiring.

In another blog I will discuss our decision to re-enter the public school in highschool. Why and how we got there. But for now...

Is homeschooling for everyone? Is it the best option for everyone? Are all public schools ineffective or 'bad'? Some in of my homeschool peers would say yes to all of those questions. I have not felt that way.

For everyone? Homeschooling is challenging and takes dedication along with self-sacrifice. Not everyone is fortunate to be able to be stay home full-time to raise and educate their children. Not everyone has the desire or the dedication it takes to be a parent and teacher full time.

Best option? I would like to say yes. Typically, no one cares more for a child than the parent. To see the child succeed, learn, grow. But again, if you don't have the time and dedication to put into it, likely it is not the best option. 

All public schools 'bad'? No. I have met some fantastic teachers, heard of some amazing schoolings. Met some fabulous graduates of the public school system. In my neighborhood - that is not the case in my opinion. But elsewhere, yes, there are good tax-funded schools.

I do not care for the attitude of some of my peers that homeschooling is the best option and frankly the only option. The opinion that the instruction is full of fallacies, that the children are trained to be subversive to parents. I ask WHO is raising your children? You or the school. Stay involved with your children no matter their place of education. You, the parent, are the biggest influence - you'd be amazed.

How you ensure your children are educated is a personal and very private choice. There is not a proper way, each person and family is different. Once again, I am doing things in my own style. Public school followed with homeschool and back to public school via the charter school system.