Mini-vacation

The past few days, we have had an opportunity to be together, exclusively, as a family.  We have taken a mini-vacation.  Our children are teenagers, our time as parents with them is fleeting.  I am all too aware they will be quickly leave our home, leaving us an empty nest.  As a result, my husband and I, have been making deliberate occasions to be together and 'make memories'.  This has become even more important for me these past few weeks, as my friend M lays in hospice losing her battle with Crueztfeld-Jakob disease. I have been, unfortunately, made completely aware, the uncertainty of life.

Initially we thought we would return to the Rocky Mountains.  We traveled through them last spring and all of us, to the last person, fell in love with the Rockies!  But this spring season has been filled with late spring snows. Coupled with the face that we only had just under a week for our vacation, we decided it was too far a drive and too risky of weather to make the trip in April.

Our youngest daughter suggested Wisconsin Dells.  I wasn't overly keen on the idea initially.  We had been to the Dells when the children were quite young.  We discovered that our children were not the 'fish' that my husband and I had been as children.  I had also done previous investigation into the water-park hotels in years past.  I had sticker shock to the prices.

But upon her suggestion, we once again checked it out.  I still had sticker shock, but we are in a different place in our life with a little more disposable income than years ago.  Our children are older and likely would enjoy the slides water activities.  In the next moment, we had booked ourselves a mini-vacation at one of the largest water park resorts in the Dells.

We arrived an bit prior to official check-in time but were allowed to check-in.  We booked a standard room - two queen beds.  We got our luggage and made our way to the door.  Upon entering, we were in for a treat.  Instead of the standard room, we stood in a two room suite, complete with a king bed, two queen beds, two bathrooms, two TVs, a sofa, a fireplace, and a deck.  Wow!  What a surprise.  I was sure a mistake had been made, but I was not about to complain, as long as my bill didn't change!!  Each child had a bed, and hubby and I had the comfort of a large king bed, as well as a bit of privacy.

We have spent three days, blasting through water tubes, floating down the lazy river, riding the waves in the wave pool, playing water basketball, and recovering our aging bodies in the hot tub.  But that is not all!  As well as the water-park, there is an indoor amusement park complete with a Ferris Wheel, go-carts, laser tag, mini-golf, climbing wall, ropes course, and arcade.  This was included in our package deal!  Bowling is an extra charge. 

I have discovered, I am NOT as young as I use to be, nor am I in shape anymore.  Hubby and I are beat physically.  But it is worth it.  We have played with our children, laughed together, and 'made some memories.'

Our final day here in the Dells, it is snowing...  confirmation we should not be in the mountains.  The fireplace is our spot together this final evening.  The snow is falling and accumulating.  Oh, this is the upper mid-west. 

The resort is complete with restaurants, spa, salon, & entertainment.  Maybe we should just stay until winter departs for good.

Thinking aloud a.k.a. talking to myself

I have always thought out loud or talked to myself.  I am the youngest child of three.  But since my siblings are several years older than I, I was kinda of on my own - growing up as a youngest/only.  I remember lying in bed at night, talking to all my friends ... stuffed animals.  I sang to them, told them stories, shared my secrets,  and held bed time parties.  During the day my dolls and friends had picnics, played school, and had tea parties.  This must be where I got my start in thinking aloud.

I am certain I annoyed my older siblings with this trait. Bwwwaaa ha ha.  Just doing my job effectively as a younger sibling.  I always had company in the form of me, myself, and I. 

Somehow I made it through my school years.  There I had peers in which to converse and I did so!  My report cards were filled will comments of "talks too much."  I maintained good grades and proved to be a good student so I didn't get into too much trouble.

Usually in public, my talking aloud is limited to scolding or encouraging myself.  Or making an auditory list of things I need to get done.  I have discovered I am an auditory learner - - talking aloud helps me immensely.  Much to my dismay, my oldest daughter has the same need and talks aloud.  So now I get her running commentary which really fouls up my own thinking.  LOL

Upon entering the professional world as an adult is where I ran into a few issues with my self-talk.   Apparently people don't want to hear me scold myself for doing something stupid or announcing the next step of the process, or cheering for a job well done.   Cubicles do not provide much privacy or sound barrier.  I don't think I'm too loud - - just kinda of a running commentary. I have had to learn to silence my self-talk.

But it is immense fun to walk through the grocery store talking with me.  Complete strangers will take up conversation with me.  See?  No longer alone.  Or I have achieved the goal of being left alone and having the aisle to myself.  ;)

The real trouble comes when having an argument with myself and losing.  Really, how can I loose an argument with myself?  Me tries to intervene but myself and I can silence her rather quickly with chocolate.  I am never alone...

But really, I am more normal than most.   *grin*

Social Media

I am, admittedly, addicted to Facebook. I am connect to it all the time, I feel compelled to check it frequently, keep up with my friends and activities. I find myself 'hanging out' there when bored.  I have been distracted by it and failed to get things done.  I have thought this addiction not very healthy and have seriously considered dropping my account. No one should be this 'attached' to an impersonal environment on the internet. 

Facebook has been accused of being impersonal and false. Yes, individuals pretend to be something they are not on-line. Real-life relationships are not the same as on-line relationships. For good and bad they are just not the same.  Words on a screen does not show voice inflection or body language. Some things are taken as offence when meant in jest. Hurt feelings run amok. Some fall in like or love with a personality only to meet in real-life the complete opposite. The internet is a mask that covers all body language and does not reveal truth or lies.

This past few weeks, I have seen the positive side of social media.  As a friend has fallen ill with a swift moving, fatal disease, the social media has allowed her friends to connect all around the world.  The internet has provided a way to share information on her condition, to share our concern with her and her family, to pay tribute to her.

I am watching as the concentric circles of her friends grow, take up the cry on heaven's doors on behalf of my friend and family.  I have gained some friends through this on-line connection.  We have shared each other's pain and encouraged one another.

It may be impersonal but so much less fatiguing that making many, many phone calls. Many more people are aware as the immediacy and the scope of the internet. In fact, people world wide are aware of the situation.


I have been able to connect with family who live around the world.  Find friends from my youth and of days gone.  Finding people has been one of my greatest thrills.  I have even met a few new people, through mutual friends.  I have shared joys, sorrows, achievements, and disappointments.  I have had the opportunity to respond to a friend's need and promote causes I believe are worthy.  I have seen pictures of places I have not been able to travel.  I have gotten advice - it is a perfect environment in which to ask, does anyone know.....?   In a moment, I can share with all my friends. 


Yes, there are pitfalls to social media, no doubt. I agree with some of the naysayers. But there are also positives. As with everything in life - - everything in moderation. It applies to nutritional diets as well as social media, television, or any other vice.  Now  to tame the addiction in my own life and bring it back into moderation.

Guilt of a normal life

It is a new day.  I almost feel guilty for going about my day in a normal way.  Everything seems to be alright, I am healthy, my family is healthy, we are not suffering any significant crisis.  Really, my biggest complaint is that weather isn't very spring-like today and my niece doesn't like to have her diaper changed.

Today I get to spend the day with my husband, DD#2, and baby niece.  DD#1 will return from school this afternoon.  Later in the evening we are scheduled to meet friends for a fish fry.  I'm sure it will be an enjoyable evening.   Soon it is Spring break for our family and we are looking forward to a few days together on mini-vacation, a break from the routine. 

It is not fair that everything is normal for me.  When nothing is okay or normal for M or her family.  They are facing the harsh reality that we are mortal beings.  It is so incredibly unfair. 

Today my heart is aching for her children.  How will they do in school today?  Can they focus?  Is their homework complete?  Did someone give them a hug on their way out the door?   Do they have a lunch?  Who's doing laundry?  All these 'Mom' concerns....  life will never be the same for these boys.  Makes me sad.

As I look forward with anticipation to the future, I know they are likely dreading the future.  The boys are young, but discerning.  I am certain they understand the gravity of the situation even if they don't understand what is happening.  After all, all the adults around them are sad.  People they haven't seen or never met are showing up. 

The boys were there as I visited the other day.  We all put on a face of being strong.  The 12 year old made us laugh at his technology prowess as we adults struggled with it.  The 8 year old found the candy and added decorations to the door.  Acting much like they should at those ages.  Yet, my mother's eye saw their confusion, their uncertainty, the anxiety of the unknown and lack of understanding.  They were so tender with their mom, hovering near her bed, stroking her arm, and probably wishing we, her friends, would leave so they could have time alone with her.  I know they were wishing she would be fine and return home with them.

I was touched by the beautiful flower in M's hair.  That was a gift of her youngest son.  It took away some of the austerity of the situation.  Such a thoughtful act for the mom he loves. 

I attempted to draw the older child out by asking him of school.  Even though M cannot communicate the way she use to, it was evident she was interested in what he had to say.  We discussed his studies and carried on a conversation.   

Each time one of the boys drew near, M would follow them, her facial features would soften, or sometimes have a look of consternation with something she so wanted to communicate.  She loves having them near her.  When she couldn't find them in the room later, she seemed to have a bit of anxiety but relaxed when we told her they went home so they could attend school the next day.

So, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I can hug my children while she can't any longer; guilty that I can continue to care for mine as she is losing the ability to care for hers.  Guilty that I can't do anything to make it better.  Guilty that I can look to the future and plan. 

I am resolving to make the most of moments as much as possible.  To tell my family that I love them, appreciate them, cherish them.  Share my "wisdom" that I want to share, now while I can... one never knows when that opportunity will vanish.

CJD is a cruel, wretched disease.  It is unfair.

CJD, Friendship, Compassion

Yesterday, I encountered Cruetzfeld-Jakob Disease face-to-face. My heart was already hurting for my friend M and knew she was suffering. I read about the disease on-line and I followed M through our mutual friend C who had been visiting and keeping in close contact with M's husband. Yet, nothing prepares you entirely for the personal encounter.

I approached her room rather timidly. In a few of the other rooms, a television was playing or people were visiting. But mostly the ward is quiet. Not sure who or exactly what I would find, I made my way down the hall. C had alerted me that M was no longer able to verbally communicate and easily startled. C had been with her most of the day so I knew I would find her.

I was, frankly, stunned. This disease has robbed M of her vibrancy, her motor functions, ... her voice. Just a few weeks ago she was running errands, caring for her family, can this really happen this rapidly? She entered the hospital a few days ago under her own power.

I had trepidation prior to my arrival as it has been some time since our last real life contact. It is not clear how much M understands or remembers. Would my presence bring confusion and anxiety or would it be appreciated? I certainly did not want to add to her level of anxiety. Honestly, if it were not for the fact that C was there, I likely would have stayed home.

At the room's threshold I found M's husband, two boys, C, and two other ladies. Everyone greeted my warmly and introductions were quickly made for all. Yet the picture that made the biggest impression was the picture of friendship and compassion. C was at M's bedside, holding M's hands which were balled up tight into fists and helping M to gently lower her arms. C quickly explained to me that M had just been moved from the chair into the bed. C was helping her relax to lower her arms.

This picture of compassion and friendship continued through my entire visit. M would look to C for assurance or explanation. M tried with telepathy, intense stares to communicate. C would quietly assure her and console her. She only stepped away from her bedside to eat and take a short break. Her acts of compassion stayed focused until M feel asleep. Holding her hand and keeping her attention on her until C was certain M was sleeping as peacefully as one with CJD is able.

I am humbled to have C as a friend. I admire her so much for her loyalty, compassion, and love for her dear friend. I came home to look up the word compassion:

• Definition of COMPASSION: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

This definition falls short of what I witnessed yesterday. A picture of C at M's bedside would give a much more complete definition.


God fashioned our days even before we existed (Ps. 139:16), and we exist now only because “the breath of the Almighty gives [us] life” (Job 33:4). Though we don’t know how many breaths we have left—we can rest in the knowledge that He does.

Cruel realities of CJD - It is NOT fair

So I am now on a new day of trying to 'wrap my head around' my friend's illness, Cruetzfeld-Jakob Disease - see previous post.

I still have such a strong feeling of injustice. As an acquaintance, my current socialization with M is primarily through Facebook. Our last encounter, at a mutual friend's home a few years ago. I am not at all sure, in her current condition if she will recognize or remember me. Certainly her young boys don't know me anymore. That being said, I have enjoyed her friendship and her funny wit. As we both consider our mutual friend a best friend, that makes the two of us friends by default.

My current position in this crisis in M's life is to be a friend of prayer and to support our mutual friend - C. C has a big role in M's life right now, being a point person of communication for family and friends, as well as handling details of her life as business owner. My own heart breaks for M and for C. Witnessing friends suffer is not a pleasurable experience.

So disturbing throughout this process, is the rapid deterioration of M. This has taken place at seemingly lightning speed. There hasn't been time discussion, for planning, for.... saying good-bye.

Other disturbing instances have occured, such as, her moments of clarity and ability to speak. She speaks in context and has indicated that she knows what is going on around her. I can think of very few things more undesirable than being trapped inside my mind. M is intelligent, creative, bold, vocal, articulate... oh to be trapped, what kind of cruel joke is this being played?

It makes me want to vent! The bottled up emotions, the sense of unfairness. It is all too close to home. She is in my peer group - could this happen to my family? But that is self thinking - - M, her family, and C need support right now.

My sense of empathy is strong so my mind races through questions. Things to the effect of: Why? Why now? What about her new dream home that she is suppose to move into this weekend? What of her boys - - can they understand, is there someone to hug them? Doesn't she deserve the opportunity to live out her dreams of a beautiful home, watching her children grow, being old with her husband, being a friend, cultivating memories?

A friend from highschool really helped me in assisting in putting things into perspective of the unfairness: Quoting "...the only thing that makes life "fair" is that the Savior suffered for all of us so that He would know what we are going through and can carry some of the pain as we allow Him to take it. Remember that he will be carrying your friend and her family when they are unable to walk. Keep the faith!"

Yes, it is completely unfair that Jesus, who lived a short perfect life as man. He was God and Man at the same time. Innocent and punished for the sins of all mankind that started in the Garden of Eden with the "fall of man". Nothing much more brutal than to be beaten beyond recognition, and to die a horrible, painful death on the cross. And for what crime? The sin of the world.

My hope, my inner joy, is that death could not conquer, could not hold Him down. He defeated death by rising from the grave. Bringing hope to all who believe in Him. That He, Jesus, God's son, lived, died, and rose again. If we are to believe in Him we can have the hope and assurance of living in eternity with Him in heaven.

We are not promised an easy road on earth. Reading the Bible is evident of that... biblical men and women suffered and toiled here on this earth. A commentary/study book I began reading this morning on the biblical book Ruth of affirmed this by stating:

An honest reading [of the Bible] also reveals a God who doesn't explain himself. He didn't tell Job about his earlier conversation with Satan and he didn't give Naomi three good reasons why her world fell apart. Both sufferers went to their graves with their whys unanswered and the ache of their losses still intact. But somehow, because they met God in their pain, both also gained a deeper kind of trust in him that weathers adversity and refuses to let go of God.

The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules by Carolyn Custis James.

It does not make the pain of these trying times any less painful. But the knowledge that God does infact have everything in control is comforting. I need to remember, He does not have any need to explain anything to me.

Continuing to pray....