Hunger and Hope

This morning, I was sitting on the sofa recovering from our mini-vacation.  Basically being a couch potato.  Still in my pajamas, not moving fast, watching TV, drinking coffee, hanging out on Facebook, and re-stylizing my blog.  How do you like the new look, by the way?   

My husband had asked me yesterday if we had anything going on today, which I responded with a negative, except for the church drama practice in the evening.  So, I was enjoying doing nothing.  It is Spring Break after all. 

On a random whim, I checked my calendar.  It's online, easily accessible from any electronic device in my possession.  I also print it out regularly and post to be viewed by all family members.  My problem is not in putting things on the calendar as much as looking at the calendar.  I am constantly double booking myself or forgetting things because I think I have it all in my head.  I really do need to understand that my memory is not as young and agile as it once was in years past.  Note to self, you are middle aged now, nothing is as it once was.

Anyway, I looked at our calendar only to gasp!  We are signed up to volunteer, as a family, this afternoon at a local food distribution.  Oops!  How did we all forget?  Especially since DD#1 regularly participates in this with school for community service hours.  UGH!  I was not feeling very energized by the thought.  I am pooped!  But we had signed up realizing that with the Easter holiday and Spring Break extra hands are needed. 

We got up off our rear ends and made ready to go.  This being the first time for all us except for DD#1, we were not certain what to expect.  In fact, there was uncertainty as to what time we were to arrive.  We arrived a couple of hours prior to the start of the distribution.  People were already lining up outside the doors, waiting in the cold wind for the food. 

We were put to work opening boxes and redistributing some of the items.  The quantity and selection of the food was impressive.  Frozen items, produce, meat, canned good, even some children's birthday bags.  All the volunteers were gathered shortly before door opening.  We were given brief instructions and we prayed.

For over 90 minutes we handed out food to hundreds of people.   Each time I looked up from my station of handing out canned goods, I saw a constant stream of people, it did not seem to end.  Young, old, tired, every ethnicity, every walk of life and in my community.  A few times I looked into the face of someone that could be me.  On the street, anywhere else,  I would never guess they were any more needy than I.  A few that I know personally came through: some helping others, some for themselves. 

I did my best to offer a smile and a kind word to each one that came through, treating each with the dignity they deserve.   Some were trying to hide being uncomfortable going through the line, others were too tired and weary to care what anyone thought of them.  Some did not speak English well, as I was handing out an item that is a definite like or dislike, I did my best to communicate with them to give them option of taking it or not. 

Once I found my rhythm in handing out the items, I had a chance to purposefully and specifically pray.  I prayed to see each of them with the eyes of Jesus.  That my words and actions would convey the love of Jesus.  I prayed each would find hope and a bit of cheer.  That there would be something... a word or item in the cart that would give them joy on this Easter holiday.  I pray that each would know Jesus' love and joy.

There are hurting people everywhere, from every walk of life.  Poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, every race.  Our current economy is finding more in the area of need.  Some who never thought they would be in such a position.  Frankly, we are just one job away from being in a very similar predicament.  I am thankful everyday for the my husband's job and all that it provides for our family.  It is not something to take for granted.

For many years, my family has packaged food with an organization called Feed My Starving Children.  (www.fmsc.org) We have helped to feed starving children around the world.  This gives us the opportunity to help those in our community, in our backyard, those that are not that very different from our own family.

Will I return?  Yes.  It is hard work, my body aches from shifting and moving canned goods.  But that is nothing, I will recover soon.  It is a minuscule sacrifice to know that a simple act can bring hope.

Mini-vacation

The past few days, we have had an opportunity to be together, exclusively, as a family.  We have taken a mini-vacation.  Our children are teenagers, our time as parents with them is fleeting.  I am all too aware they will be quickly leave our home, leaving us an empty nest.  As a result, my husband and I, have been making deliberate occasions to be together and 'make memories'.  This has become even more important for me these past few weeks, as my friend M lays in hospice losing her battle with Crueztfeld-Jakob disease. I have been, unfortunately, made completely aware, the uncertainty of life.

Initially we thought we would return to the Rocky Mountains.  We traveled through them last spring and all of us, to the last person, fell in love with the Rockies!  But this spring season has been filled with late spring snows. Coupled with the face that we only had just under a week for our vacation, we decided it was too far a drive and too risky of weather to make the trip in April.

Our youngest daughter suggested Wisconsin Dells.  I wasn't overly keen on the idea initially.  We had been to the Dells when the children were quite young.  We discovered that our children were not the 'fish' that my husband and I had been as children.  I had also done previous investigation into the water-park hotels in years past.  I had sticker shock to the prices.

But upon her suggestion, we once again checked it out.  I still had sticker shock, but we are in a different place in our life with a little more disposable income than years ago.  Our children are older and likely would enjoy the slides water activities.  In the next moment, we had booked ourselves a mini-vacation at one of the largest water park resorts in the Dells.

We arrived an bit prior to official check-in time but were allowed to check-in.  We booked a standard room - two queen beds.  We got our luggage and made our way to the door.  Upon entering, we were in for a treat.  Instead of the standard room, we stood in a two room suite, complete with a king bed, two queen beds, two bathrooms, two TVs, a sofa, a fireplace, and a deck.  Wow!  What a surprise.  I was sure a mistake had been made, but I was not about to complain, as long as my bill didn't change!!  Each child had a bed, and hubby and I had the comfort of a large king bed, as well as a bit of privacy.

We have spent three days, blasting through water tubes, floating down the lazy river, riding the waves in the wave pool, playing water basketball, and recovering our aging bodies in the hot tub.  But that is not all!  As well as the water-park, there is an indoor amusement park complete with a Ferris Wheel, go-carts, laser tag, mini-golf, climbing wall, ropes course, and arcade.  This was included in our package deal!  Bowling is an extra charge. 

I have discovered, I am NOT as young as I use to be, nor am I in shape anymore.  Hubby and I are beat physically.  But it is worth it.  We have played with our children, laughed together, and 'made some memories.'

Our final day here in the Dells, it is snowing...  confirmation we should not be in the mountains.  The fireplace is our spot together this final evening.  The snow is falling and accumulating.  Oh, this is the upper mid-west. 

The resort is complete with restaurants, spa, salon, & entertainment.  Maybe we should just stay until winter departs for good.

Thinking aloud a.k.a. talking to myself

I have always thought out loud or talked to myself.  I am the youngest child of three.  But since my siblings are several years older than I, I was kinda of on my own - growing up as a youngest/only.  I remember lying in bed at night, talking to all my friends ... stuffed animals.  I sang to them, told them stories, shared my secrets,  and held bed time parties.  During the day my dolls and friends had picnics, played school, and had tea parties.  This must be where I got my start in thinking aloud.

I am certain I annoyed my older siblings with this trait. Bwwwaaa ha ha.  Just doing my job effectively as a younger sibling.  I always had company in the form of me, myself, and I. 

Somehow I made it through my school years.  There I had peers in which to converse and I did so!  My report cards were filled will comments of "talks too much."  I maintained good grades and proved to be a good student so I didn't get into too much trouble.

Usually in public, my talking aloud is limited to scolding or encouraging myself.  Or making an auditory list of things I need to get done.  I have discovered I am an auditory learner - - talking aloud helps me immensely.  Much to my dismay, my oldest daughter has the same need and talks aloud.  So now I get her running commentary which really fouls up my own thinking.  LOL

Upon entering the professional world as an adult is where I ran into a few issues with my self-talk.   Apparently people don't want to hear me scold myself for doing something stupid or announcing the next step of the process, or cheering for a job well done.   Cubicles do not provide much privacy or sound barrier.  I don't think I'm too loud - - just kinda of a running commentary. I have had to learn to silence my self-talk.

But it is immense fun to walk through the grocery store talking with me.  Complete strangers will take up conversation with me.  See?  No longer alone.  Or I have achieved the goal of being left alone and having the aisle to myself.  ;)

The real trouble comes when having an argument with myself and losing.  Really, how can I loose an argument with myself?  Me tries to intervene but myself and I can silence her rather quickly with chocolate.  I am never alone...

But really, I am more normal than most.   *grin*

Social Media

I am, admittedly, addicted to Facebook. I am connect to it all the time, I feel compelled to check it frequently, keep up with my friends and activities. I find myself 'hanging out' there when bored.  I have been distracted by it and failed to get things done.  I have thought this addiction not very healthy and have seriously considered dropping my account. No one should be this 'attached' to an impersonal environment on the internet. 

Facebook has been accused of being impersonal and false. Yes, individuals pretend to be something they are not on-line. Real-life relationships are not the same as on-line relationships. For good and bad they are just not the same.  Words on a screen does not show voice inflection or body language. Some things are taken as offence when meant in jest. Hurt feelings run amok. Some fall in like or love with a personality only to meet in real-life the complete opposite. The internet is a mask that covers all body language and does not reveal truth or lies.

This past few weeks, I have seen the positive side of social media.  As a friend has fallen ill with a swift moving, fatal disease, the social media has allowed her friends to connect all around the world.  The internet has provided a way to share information on her condition, to share our concern with her and her family, to pay tribute to her.

I am watching as the concentric circles of her friends grow, take up the cry on heaven's doors on behalf of my friend and family.  I have gained some friends through this on-line connection.  We have shared each other's pain and encouraged one another.

It may be impersonal but so much less fatiguing that making many, many phone calls. Many more people are aware as the immediacy and the scope of the internet. In fact, people world wide are aware of the situation.


I have been able to connect with family who live around the world.  Find friends from my youth and of days gone.  Finding people has been one of my greatest thrills.  I have even met a few new people, through mutual friends.  I have shared joys, sorrows, achievements, and disappointments.  I have had the opportunity to respond to a friend's need and promote causes I believe are worthy.  I have seen pictures of places I have not been able to travel.  I have gotten advice - it is a perfect environment in which to ask, does anyone know.....?   In a moment, I can share with all my friends. 


Yes, there are pitfalls to social media, no doubt. I agree with some of the naysayers. But there are also positives. As with everything in life - - everything in moderation. It applies to nutritional diets as well as social media, television, or any other vice.  Now  to tame the addiction in my own life and bring it back into moderation.

Guilt of a normal life

It is a new day.  I almost feel guilty for going about my day in a normal way.  Everything seems to be alright, I am healthy, my family is healthy, we are not suffering any significant crisis.  Really, my biggest complaint is that weather isn't very spring-like today and my niece doesn't like to have her diaper changed.

Today I get to spend the day with my husband, DD#2, and baby niece.  DD#1 will return from school this afternoon.  Later in the evening we are scheduled to meet friends for a fish fry.  I'm sure it will be an enjoyable evening.   Soon it is Spring break for our family and we are looking forward to a few days together on mini-vacation, a break from the routine. 

It is not fair that everything is normal for me.  When nothing is okay or normal for M or her family.  They are facing the harsh reality that we are mortal beings.  It is so incredibly unfair. 

Today my heart is aching for her children.  How will they do in school today?  Can they focus?  Is their homework complete?  Did someone give them a hug on their way out the door?   Do they have a lunch?  Who's doing laundry?  All these 'Mom' concerns....  life will never be the same for these boys.  Makes me sad.

As I look forward with anticipation to the future, I know they are likely dreading the future.  The boys are young, but discerning.  I am certain they understand the gravity of the situation even if they don't understand what is happening.  After all, all the adults around them are sad.  People they haven't seen or never met are showing up. 

The boys were there as I visited the other day.  We all put on a face of being strong.  The 12 year old made us laugh at his technology prowess as we adults struggled with it.  The 8 year old found the candy and added decorations to the door.  Acting much like they should at those ages.  Yet, my mother's eye saw their confusion, their uncertainty, the anxiety of the unknown and lack of understanding.  They were so tender with their mom, hovering near her bed, stroking her arm, and probably wishing we, her friends, would leave so they could have time alone with her.  I know they were wishing she would be fine and return home with them.

I was touched by the beautiful flower in M's hair.  That was a gift of her youngest son.  It took away some of the austerity of the situation.  Such a thoughtful act for the mom he loves. 

I attempted to draw the older child out by asking him of school.  Even though M cannot communicate the way she use to, it was evident she was interested in what he had to say.  We discussed his studies and carried on a conversation.   

Each time one of the boys drew near, M would follow them, her facial features would soften, or sometimes have a look of consternation with something she so wanted to communicate.  She loves having them near her.  When she couldn't find them in the room later, she seemed to have a bit of anxiety but relaxed when we told her they went home so they could attend school the next day.

So, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I can hug my children while she can't any longer; guilty that I can continue to care for mine as she is losing the ability to care for hers.  Guilty that I can't do anything to make it better.  Guilty that I can look to the future and plan. 

I am resolving to make the most of moments as much as possible.  To tell my family that I love them, appreciate them, cherish them.  Share my "wisdom" that I want to share, now while I can... one never knows when that opportunity will vanish.

CJD is a cruel, wretched disease.  It is unfair.

CJD, Friendship, Compassion

Yesterday, I encountered Cruetzfeld-Jakob Disease face-to-face. My heart was already hurting for my friend M and knew she was suffering. I read about the disease on-line and I followed M through our mutual friend C who had been visiting and keeping in close contact with M's husband. Yet, nothing prepares you entirely for the personal encounter.

I approached her room rather timidly. In a few of the other rooms, a television was playing or people were visiting. But mostly the ward is quiet. Not sure who or exactly what I would find, I made my way down the hall. C had alerted me that M was no longer able to verbally communicate and easily startled. C had been with her most of the day so I knew I would find her.

I was, frankly, stunned. This disease has robbed M of her vibrancy, her motor functions, ... her voice. Just a few weeks ago she was running errands, caring for her family, can this really happen this rapidly? She entered the hospital a few days ago under her own power.

I had trepidation prior to my arrival as it has been some time since our last real life contact. It is not clear how much M understands or remembers. Would my presence bring confusion and anxiety or would it be appreciated? I certainly did not want to add to her level of anxiety. Honestly, if it were not for the fact that C was there, I likely would have stayed home.

At the room's threshold I found M's husband, two boys, C, and two other ladies. Everyone greeted my warmly and introductions were quickly made for all. Yet the picture that made the biggest impression was the picture of friendship and compassion. C was at M's bedside, holding M's hands which were balled up tight into fists and helping M to gently lower her arms. C quickly explained to me that M had just been moved from the chair into the bed. C was helping her relax to lower her arms.

This picture of compassion and friendship continued through my entire visit. M would look to C for assurance or explanation. M tried with telepathy, intense stares to communicate. C would quietly assure her and console her. She only stepped away from her bedside to eat and take a short break. Her acts of compassion stayed focused until M feel asleep. Holding her hand and keeping her attention on her until C was certain M was sleeping as peacefully as one with CJD is able.

I am humbled to have C as a friend. I admire her so much for her loyalty, compassion, and love for her dear friend. I came home to look up the word compassion:

• Definition of COMPASSION: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

This definition falls short of what I witnessed yesterday. A picture of C at M's bedside would give a much more complete definition.


God fashioned our days even before we existed (Ps. 139:16), and we exist now only because “the breath of the Almighty gives [us] life” (Job 33:4). Though we don’t know how many breaths we have left—we can rest in the knowledge that He does.