Dewindling Summer

Summer time!  It is already August.  Summer months are quickly coming to an end.  I had grand plans to blog regularly.  Ha!  Summer took over and blogging was a fleeting ideal.   Here in the upper midwest, one must take advantage of these minimal days of long day light hours and warm temperatures.  All too soon, colder temperatures and darkness will descend leaving but a shadow of a memory of summer.

Honestly, my favorite season is Autumn.  It is still warm during the day but the humidity is gone.  The ground is dry and crunchy.  Oh, and I admittedly I am one who likes to wear shorts with a sweatshirt.  Crazy but true.  The downside to Autumn is the constant lessening of daylight hours.  I crave daylight and the long dark days of late autumn and winter are disheartening. 

I am getting ahead of myself... you are probably wondering what I have been doing this summer.  A better question to ask is what is God doing in my life this summer?  Along with mowing the lawn every four to five days, trying to stay cool in the rather ridiculous humidity, I have been seeking God's direction in my life.

This fall is a transition for our family that directly impacts my lifestyle.  After eight years of homeschooling both of my children will be attending school outside our homes.  We are all excited for this transition.  I believe my children have the foundation academically and, more importantly, spiritually to attend school.  Yet this change means that for the first time in 16 years I will have considerable time to myself during the school hours.

As I have pondered the upcoming 'freedom', I have been wondering exactly what I should do with my time.  I am a bit on the lazy side coupled that I am not one  with a desire for an immaculate house (i.e. not a great housekeeper) could be a recipe for a self-centered disaster.  So I have been praying.

Prayer is powerful.  My lazy summer turned into a summer of opportunities to serve in our community.  I have seen first hand and been able to serve those living at poverty level.  Each time I come away humbled and reminded of how blessed and privileged I am in these challenging economic times.

I also had the opportunity to serve at a Christian camp that had an influx of registrations for Jr. High camp.  I answered a plea for help as they sought out additional counselors.  I had a fun and exhausting week.  My cabin was full of a group of beautiful young ladies who stole my heart.  I have the honor of praying for them as they have returned home to finish summer vacation and return to school.  I am reminded that life is not easy for anyone but for teenagers, life is even more challenging!

Now I am looking at the final weeks of summer and wondering just what fall will look like... I believe God has been preparing me for something.  I just am not sure exactly what it is yet.  I am considering taking some classes and researching out ideas in this direction.  I am not necessarily looking for a degree but additional Biblical training and discipleship training seems appropriate. 

I want to be the best I can be in God's Army.  I am a bit scared and at the same thrilled to say "Here am I, use me, send me!"  I am not perfect but neither was Moses, Noah, Joseph, Naomi and Ruth, Job, or David.  I am learning to trust God and let Him make my weaknesses His strengths.

In the meantime, I am sad that summer is ending.  The less structured pace, the sometimes lazy days are all too quickly coming to an end.  Now it is time to prepare for the first days of school and activities.  As well as time to prepare for all that God has in store for me in this next phase of life.

Father's Day Musings

This weekend is Father's Day.  A day set aside to specifically honor fathers.  I am fortunate to have a husband that is a remarkable father to our children.  Below are a few of the traits he exhibits as he parent's his children.  

Tender heart - - I have seen my own husband gently cradle his newborn daughter, gazing at her in pure wonderment and love.  I have watched as he has taken his baby and snuggled with her for a nap on the sofa.  Held her as she ached in illness.  Calm her while she was distraught with pain, fear, or frustration.  Rock his child to sleep as his own arm lost all feeling.  This manly guy can be so gentle and tender caring for his children.  I often had to fight for 'my turn' to hold my baby.  Now as teenagers he continues to show tenderness displaying how a man should treat a young lady with courtesy and respect.

Teacher - - My husband has taught his children many skills with great patience.  How to throw and catch a ball, pound a hammer, mud a wall, grout a floor, climb a ladder...  He has taught them the complexities of scientific concepts and math skills well beyond anything their mother can comprehend.  He has helped them with homework on the phone while traveling for work.  He has interrupted his work day to answer many a question.  Never a teacher that just gives the answer away, he will patiently guide them through the thought process to the answer.

Leader - - He leads our family through all situations, decisions, and tasks.  He leads us in prayer and i ministry.  He leads us in new adventures.   He sets the boundaries for our family - our use of time and finances. 

Encourager - - My children's daddy will encourage them to try new things, never give up, and to try again.  He will purchase books, magazines, equipment to encourage hobbies and new interests.  He will learn along with them as they discover new things.   He has built a giant sized solar system and a potato battery. 

Protector - - From things that go bump in the night to the bugs that needs squashing or the rodent that requires extermination.  He also protects his family guiding them around potential unsavory places and people.  He makes his presence known subtly or overtly conveying - "Mess with her, you must deal with me." 

Silly - - He knows how to be silly and brings a lot of fun to our lives.  He pretends to speak Spanish, he has a dry sense of humor, and great wit. 

Hard worker with strong work ethic to provide  - - Children need things, especially shelter, food, and clothing.  A daddy will do all within his power to provide these essentials for his family.  Sometimes at great sacrifice to himself.  I have seen my own husband's dreams and desires put on hold as he puts his family's needs as a priority.  He works hard to provide attempting to balance the demands of the his job with the demands of his family.

Servant - Through the years our family has been blessed by our fathers in their sacrificial assistance.  From automotive repairs, vehicle loaners, and hard labor in home remodeling projects.  They have consistently and fervently prayed for us.   My husband has served his children in many ways through their childhood and see the potential that he will continue the legacy of service as they are adults.

Our family is blessed with a Daddy not just a father. 

Funk or Fear

It occurred to me this morning that I have been in a funk lately.  Sometimes it takes a bit for  me to realize that a funky mood has descended upon me.  My revelation came to me gradually as I was going about the business of the day.  The business of the day isn't much today, it is summer vacation and we are experiencing a rather pleasant few days of a slower pace.  But you know what? The 'business of the day' is not the going to be the same for me.  A shift is taking place in my life and it is causing a bit of a funk.  Or maybe it is the long, harsh winter, followed by an extended cold spring, with a shot of extreme summer temps and a wild 50 degree swing in the other direction within a matter of days.  What do you think?

Many things are shifting and changing in my life right now.   Our family is moving in a different direction.  My children are now teenagers and their activities are changing.  They are older, needing less of me which is a good thing, what we strive for as parents.  My role is changing and I did not expect these feelings until they went off to college or moved out of home leaving us with an empty nest.

For the past eight years I have been homeschooling our children.  Last year my oldest child attended school outside of our home and it now appears that the youngest will be joining her this fall.  My days of homeschooling are over.  I have had children at my side for the past 15.5 years.  It is  hard to imagine days without them and being home alone.   I feel adrift, a bit useless, and unneeded.  Frankly, I am lacking  direction. The kids are only going to be gone to school for 7 hours each day.  Sheesh, what's my problem, right?

Additionally, in the past 6-9 months we have left an organization that, I, in particular had been highly involved in as an adult volunteer.  It was not anticipated to cease participating altogether, but that is what happened, and seemly rather suddenly.  I have been exploring my options but haven't quite figured out how to incorporate it all into this new phase of our life.

All this means that the community of people I have been associated with for the past eight years will be continuing on without me.  It is natural that to feel a bit a drift during change, I guess.  But it is uncomfortable.

I have a few ideas as to how to fill my new found "freedom" but frankly I am a bit afraid. I am not the ultimate homemaker so the thought of cleaning and cooking 28 hours (random number) of the week will likely morph into 28 hours of avoidance on Facebook, surfing the internet, and watching tv.  I could get a job but in reality the kids still need me for taxi service and homework assistance, a job could make this challenging -  - oh okay, I don't want a job, who am I kidding? 

Add to this thought process an email I received about the future of America (it was a forward and it made some valid points) but I started to feel a little bit of anxiety over these things which I have no control. 

I went for a walk, borrowing my child's iPod, I put on the headphones and started playing Casting Crowns (we just purchased 4 of their CDs).  My mind did not focus on the music but rather on the future and the uncertainty of it.  I said (in my mind) "God, I am afraid of the future."  Almost instantly the words: "Do not be afraid, for I am the Lord your God;  I am always with you." 

 I then recalled how the Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years with the cloud leading them - they had left behind all they knew and had no knowledge of the future. Can you imagine the uncertainty and anxiety of these people? All the jobs and tasks they knew before were to be no more. What would they do? How would they function? Where would they live? Their whole lives had shifted dramatically. They could only follow.  And I realized, God was with them in that cloud or pillar of fire.  He never left them, He always provided,  and He always made a way.

Wow.  I still do not have the answers for the future.  I still don’t have any control over the uncontrollable; I still do not know what my role will be as we make this family shift.  But I am feeling more confident in the reminder that God is always with me, leading me, walking beside me, carrying me.  Even in a time of storm - which for me, at this moment, is a time of uncertainty.

"I will Praise you in this Storm
and I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this Storm"

The last song I heard on the iPod as I walked up the driveway to the backdoor.

Struggling dogwood

Gardening is the topic of choice today.  I am capable of gardening but it is not my passion.  I do not have a 'green thumb'.  I am never sure if it is a plant or weed, especially when young so I tend to leave most everything.  By the time it is identifiable it is overwhelmingly weedy.  I don't really enjoy being in the sun  and most gardening cannot be done in the shade.  Add to that mix, that I am not a detailed oriented person.  This does not make for a great gardener.

However, this past weekend, it was not raining and we were home for an afternoon. We tackled some overdue  yard work items.  Winter was long and harsh, Spring was equally long and cold.  My hubby got his tractor with the assistance of our oldest daughter, running the disc and plow through the small field that is used as a garden plot by my father-in-law.  My youngest daughter planted a few pots of flowers.  I went to work on the bushes in the front yard.

These bushes were planted about four years ago.  I bought these little guys on clearance during a hot, dry July.  My idea was to plant them to provide some protection from the road.  There are Burning Bushes, Maple Amurs, and Dogwoods.  We have a bit of property and the front of the yard is a long ways from the spigot.  I carried water to the bushes by the bucketful to make sure they did not die during the drought we were experiencing. 

Four years later, these bushes are still struggling.  Not much bigger than when I planted them, I have been disappointed in their progress  I am also not really thrilled with mowing around them, especially since they are not thriving as I had hoped.  The dogwoods really are struggling - mostly sticks with few leaves.  There were only two of these and I finally mowed down one of them last year. 

But off I went to clear out the grass and weeds growing up and through the plants, taking their water and chocking them.  I pulled out the grass and weeds.  I also put in fertilizer spikes, something I probably should have been doing each year, One or two of the bushes are beginning to show promise. But the remaining dogwood is not doing well at all.  When I pulled away all the grass I found a few short sticks of growth with a handful (about 4) of small leaves.  Definitely not thriving and it looks like the deer have found it tasty as well.  I am considering mowing down this non-productive plant.  I realize the soil is not the best in this part of my yard but I was hoping these hardy plants would make it.

The same time I planted those bushes, I also planted a row of pine trees.  These guys were small, in one gallon pots.  I have carefully tended to them through several years of drought and protected them from the plow of the tractor (they are on the edge of the field).  I am delighted to report that they are growing quite well.    The lawn tractor is no longer a threat and they are more easily seen from larger farm equipment.  I do not mind mowing around them just to see the progress they are making; the growth each year is pleasing.  They are planted in clay, loamy soil and loving it! 

This made me think about the Heavenly Gardner.  How He plants me, nurtures me, pulls at the weeds, carefully mows around me, and I disappoint Him in my growth.  Year after year He continues to tend to me, with much more skill and patience than I have for my bushes.   I know I disappoint my Heavenly Gardner and wonder if He is getting tired of continuing carefully tending to me, much like I am with the bushes.  I wonder if He wishes I was more like those pine trees - putting down a deep tap root, pulling from water deep down, and shooting upward and outward.  I know that is what I desire to be - a thriving, growing tree rather than a struggling, little bush in danger of being mowed over and forgotten forever.  Gives me much for thought and thankfulness that the Heavenly Gardner has much more patience than I do for that struggling Dogwood.  Hmmmm... wonder if I should transplant that bush?

Only need to ask

In the same line of thinking of when God revealed Himself in a real and tangible way, I recalled another incident. I am ashamed at my failure to remember God's faithfulness especially when I am feeling like my prayers are going no further than the ceiling. I am saddened when I consider all the times God has intervened and I failed to acknowledge Him. Truth is that God is always working in my life, seen and unseen. Truth is that God has promised to never nor forsake me.

It was our anniversary. We had planned for our children to spend some time with their uncle while we celebrated. We made plans, I do not recall exactly what those plans were but probably dinner and a quiet evening together, our budget being rather scant. The day or so before, hubby started to complain of not feeling very well. Believing it was likely a flu bug I didn't give it much thought, he would recover quickly.

Friday arrived, hubby stayed home from work ill and going more downhill as the day progressed. He was drinking fluids and resting to fight the 'bug.' Disappointed, I canceled our plans and settled in to be a nursemaid. Hubby is not one to go to the doctor, he has to be extremely ill or in severe pain to consider such a visit.  Day turned into night and still he was not feeling any better.  I teased him he didn’t need to get ill to express his displeasure in our plans.

Very early the next morning, he awakened me to take him into urgent care.  "Wow," I thought, "he must really be feeling awful."  He then revealed to me that despite drinking massive quantities of water, he could not urinate.  This information propelled me out of bed and into motion. 

Still very early, much before the polite hour to call another's home, I called my parents to arrange child care for our children.  Thankfully, my dad is an early riser, but I think I got him out of bed on a Saturday at this early hour.  He arrived shortly thereafter, and I packaged my shivering yet sweating and hobbling husband into the car.  Urgent care is first come first serve.  Suffice it to say we were first, as we waited 30 minutes in the parking lot waiting for the clinic to open.

I was becoming more concerned by the minute.  He was walking like an elderly man and very pallid.  In the waiting room I tried to keep him warm as the chills wracked his body in waves.  He was asked for a urine sample, which was impossible.  He was diagnosed with a prostate infection which can be treated with antibiotics.  But it was very worrisome that he had not been able 'to go' for over 12 hours and he had taken in two quarts of liquid.  He was sent for an MRI - I think it was an MRI anyway, to look for any blockage.

The imaging clinic was across the street, I helped him to the car and out again and into the clinic.  I planted him in the nearest chair and checked him in for the test.  He was given some barium (brain is fuzzy on the substance) to drink.  It was a several hour process… drink this much now and this much more later.  Poor guy, it was horrible tasting and he was miserable and uncomfortable. 

Sitting in the chair, I watched my husband fade before my eyes.  I finally approached the desk and asked if they had an examining table or bed he could lie on and blankets.  By now the chills were non stop.  His color was very disturbing.   Needless to say, I was becoming frightened.  They kindly found him a gurney, a room, and blankets.

By now it was lunch time, he sent me out to pick up his prescriptions so that when the test was complete I could just take him home without needing to stop for medicines.  I reluctantly left his side.  I put in the order for his meds at pharmacy in the big box store.  As I waited, I did some shopping for band aids for my youngest, she was always in need of band aids for real and imagined boo-boos.  Funny how I remember finding Strawberry Shortcake band aids for her.

I called to check in on the girls and to give the report of hubby's condition.  I was teary as I expressed his condition and my concern.  Mom then asked me if I has put him on the church prayer chain.  Duh!  I had not thought of that, I was so caught up in caring for him.  I, of course, had been praying but did not think of including the body of Christ, so caught up in caring for him.  She offered to make the call for me and we hung up.

I received the medicines from the pharmacy, grabbed a sandwich, and rushed back to his side.  I was anxious to return to him.  He was not any better than when I left him.  I ate my lunch, called his parents, and prayed over him.  About 30 minutes later, within 60  minutes of putting him on the prayer chain, he informed me he needed to use the bathroom.  Really?!  A nurse and I assisted him to the restroom with the use of a wheelchair, as I recall.  It was a 'productive' visit to the restroom!  Immediately, he began to feel a bit better and his coloring improved.  They continued with the test, saw nothing, sent him home. He was ill for about a week, it takes a while to recover from such an infection. 

 

I believe that God intervened on his behalf.  Yes, it could have been the stuff they gave him to drink that cleared some sort of blockage.  But I believe that God can use that in His healing process if He chooses.  I am more interested in the timing of when the change occurred.  It was shortly after a call for prayer.  I am ashamed that I had not asked for prayer earlier.  I do not believe it was coincidence that hubby improved as we sought prayer support.  God is all knowing, He knew what we were going through, He was waiting and willing to assist.  We only needed to ask.  Something to remember and never forget.

Do you see that car?

My last post I described how God protected us during a severe storm in 1998.  This got me to thinking about other times God has been clearly evident in my life.  I wish I have been more diligent in writing things down in the past, I am guilty of thinking I will remember and not forget.  But alas, I am human, and thus have a short memory.  Which is why history is doomed to repeat itself over and over again.  In the Bible God's people were instructed over and over again, to build a moment, pass it down to the children, remember .... remember God's faithfulness. 

To memory came another incident where I prayed and God answered.  Had it not been for my daughter in the car, I may have missed His answer and then failed to thank Him and praise Him for caring for us.  All too often, I rely on myself or think of it as coincidence when really it is God taking a very tangible and real role in my life. 

This particular day I was about 50 miles away from home with my two daughters.  I had taken them to a conference for young girls on being a Bright Light for the Lord.  A February day in the upper mid-west can range from sunshine - rain - freezing rain - snow - blizzard.  The conference was held in the southern metro area and I live past the northern edge of the metro area. 

The day started out with rain and developed into freezing rain, at least where I was at in the southern metro area.  I went out at lunch and cleared the windows of the ice developing which turned out to be very wise.  Many others at the end of the day were chipping away at inch or more thick layer of ice on their windows.  My ice layer at the end of the day was considerably thinner due to my previous clearing.  We set out for the drive home which would typically take about an hour.

It was late afternoon when we left.  There was still daylight and although the driving was slow I could see the road and other vehicles in the remaining daylight.  As we drove north the freezing rain turned into snow.  The interstate was crawling along at about 25 mph.  Our drive extended into the second hour as we carefully made our way home. 

Twilight fell as I turned off the main, well traveled interstates and freeways onto the county roads that lead to my home.  The traveling became more slow and careful.  Soon it was dark and the snow was falling heavily and we had passed the two hour mark on our drive.  In a rural area, on a country road in the dark, I could no longer distinguish the ditch from the road.  Gripping the wheel and white knuckled, I prayed aloud something to the effect of "Lord, I can't see the road, please take the wheel and drive us safely home, show the path, in Jesus Name."  I returned to giving my full concentration to driving.

Shortly, a car appeared on the road ahead of us.  I could see its taillights and the tire path on the road ahead of me.  I did not recognize what was occurring ahead of me or how much easier the driving (relatively speaking) had become with the existence of this vehicle.  My daughter from the back seat who was leaning forward trying to assist in identifying the road boundaries, exclaimed "Mom, that car is showing us the way, just as you prayed!"  She was so right and I nearly missed it!!

We continued the final miles to our home following this car.  I was shocked when it turned down my street, a small gravel road.  It continued on down the road right past our driveway, literally showing me the way home.  I turned into the driveway full of about a foot or more of snow, where I promptly got stuck.  I sat back and with my girls thanked the Lord for providing a guide for our drive home and for getting us home safely.

I still am amazed each time I reflect on this event.   The car was not in front of me previously, we were alone on the road  - - a lonely country road.  I did not see a car pull out from a driveway or side road.  And I did not recognize a neighbor as it continued on down my street.  I wonder, did I see an angel?  I do not have the answers.  But I am convinced that it was placed there for me in answer to my prayer.  This was not a coincidence nor was it my own ability that got us home safely that night.