Soap Box - - Political Angst

I have a soap box that I try to not step upon and begin to pontificate.  However, I believe this is where I am about to lose that self control to stay planted on the ground and keep quiet.  My soap box is my angst and disgust of the current political process.  As we move toward the next presidential election my angst, thus my soap box, grows exponentially.  DISCLAIMER:  I do not claim that this makes sense, I do not have a solution other than for people to be honest, truthful, authentic (this usually solves most issues), this is my point of view through angst colored glasses.  I am not attempting to start a debate, figure out who or what is right or wrong, I am mainly venting my angst, wishing for something different, realizing it won't be, point of view. 

Perhaps it begins in a small child's dream. Here in America we are encouraged to dream, dream to become anything, do anything, anything is possible.  This is the land of dreams.  The rags to riches land of dreams.  Poorest of poor to richest of rich.  From a nobody to a somebody.  This belief is the foundations of the country. 

Perhaps this small child dreams of being in a place of influence, a place of power.  Oh power, that is a dangerous tiger to tame.   "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely"  John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, first Baron Acton (1834–1902)    The dream is likely innocent, true, and good.  A dream to make a difference in the world, make a difference for good.  The child as he grows realizes he (or she, but for ease of writing I will use the generic gender of he) could add value.  It is a beautiful, lovely dream.  But now for the ugly reality.  The political process is distasteful.  It continues on for months and months, years really.  There is party alignment, name calling, investigations to destroy, lies, and secrets.

I find it extremely ugly to set out to win an election by destroying the opponent with sensationalism, intentionally finding their faults, mistakes, sins; exposing them without any grace for who the person is today.  Compounded by the tendency to then disclaim your own faults and brush off, claiming to now be a virtuous person.  I often wonder why I care if the person tried drugs in youth, or participated in stupid act as a young person.  I was once young and stupid too.  I have grown up, I have matured, I have realized I was once young and stupid.  Quite possibly, these youthful indiscretions that have been overcome, have shaped and molded the individual into being the best candidate.  Do we really want a protected, naive, never experienced hardship, trials, empty vessel?  I do not care necessarily about the seemingly horrible act or experience in as much in how the individual overcame them, responded to crisis, learned from the experience(s).  This tells me so much more.  So expose those skeletons willingly and show me how you cope, what you learned, how it has made you into a great person today.  

I fail to understand how during some elections, most noticeably in primaries, candidates will tear apart each other of the same party in an effort to win the affections of the people.  I am amazed then how they will 'unite' and support each other once the top candidate is named.  I am more appalled in the then expectation of  me to now trust said candidate.  I just gagged in my mouth.  Really?  Sorry, your true character glowed through the heated, ugly words and actions toward your "team members" otherwise known as party. 

Now that party has been brought up, my soap box gets a little bigger.  My angst of 'party lines', partisan, non-partisan, bi-partisan.  It is all a bunch of hooey if you ask me.  Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, Independent, Grass Roots, whatever. You know what I want to see?  I want someone, ideally a group of someones (poor grammar - sorry grammar police), with true character and honesty.  Someone who will align himself with others to make good policy not because of party affiliations.  Frankly, parties need to disappear in my humble opinion.  I want someone who will research out the issue, seek out wise counsel, not be swayed by briberies.  Listen to lobbyists, on both sides of issues, take the time to figure out the best course of action.  I want someone who will stand on their decision not because he is of "this party or that party", but because it is the "right and good thing".  There have been a few that have tried to take this route.  But money becomes an issue.  Parties have money, supporters who demand favors have money.  Money corrupts as well as power.

Most of my angst has been vented.  My soap box must now diminish, it isn't serving much purpose.  Frankly it has quite of few holes for others to pull it apart.  Remember my disclaimer.  I will not argue with you.  It is a frustrated view point, without solutions.  Thanks for listening.

Wave of Melancholy

The day is typical.  A summer day, the children on break from school, husband at work, beautiful sunshine, unstructured time, laundry, dusting, dishes... a typical day.  I am hit by a wave of melancholy.  I am helpless to its effects as it washes over me.  But I continue through my day, my thoughts heavy, my heart aching.

I remember those who have died, some long ago and others too soon in life.  I ache for a conversation with my grandmother.  The dear lady that was crippled the entirety of the time I knew her.  I recall how her eyes sparkled with interest as she would visit with me.  Today, again, I wish she could have met my husband, my children, shared her memories with me, tell me again how God is going to heal her body and we would go play ball, drive the truck, and make fun.    Instead I ask God to give her a hug and tell her I am thinking of her and I am hoping she is playing ball in heaven.

My thoughts then turn to my husband's grandmother.  I was privileged to know her for a few years in our early marriage.  A woman full of wisdom and mirth.  I miss her grounded words that provided the proper outlook I usually needed at the moment.  I miss her love of mischief.  She always had a story to tell.  I marveled at her dedication to praying for each member of her large family by name every day, her memory at each one's name, birth, marriage, important event.

As the wave of melancholy flowed, my memories of a few who passed away too early in life float to the forefront of my thoughts.  My brother-in-law, who taught me to drive a stick-shift vehicle in his cherished Honda Prelude.  I laugh as I recall that I never drove it after I peeled away from a stop sign during one lesson.  He said to give it more gas and let the clutch out slowly.  I grieve his absence in his own children's lives.

I lament the passing of time, as I realize all to clearly, that my time as a parent with children in my home is swiftly nearing its end.  I miss my little girls, their antics, their zest of learning, imaginative play, and constant energy.  Their curious child sayings as long past, as they now are beautiful young ladies.  I miss our days of home education and fun field trips.

I wish for the time that my friends lived near and the adventures we had as girlfriends and young mothers.  The time we spent dreaming of the future, our lives, and aspirations.  Today, I feel very middle-aged. No, today I feel old.    Time has slipped away and I have a sense of being unaccomplished.  I wonder what difference I have made, what value have I added with my life, in the time I have been given? 

I wish for the clock to turn back, to try to hold onto relationships that have long ago disintegrated due to normal drifting and due to disagreements.  I wonder how those individuals are today, wondering how to reach out to them.

I have an opportunity to write a biography for a digital all-alumni book of my local high school.  I am completely baffled as what to share, it seems so boring.  Married, unemployed outside the home, did not further my education beyond high school diploma, wife, mom, volunteer.  Huh, hardly seems worth submitting.  It would be much more intriguing and value of reading if it read how I received my masters degree in something or another, received promotions and awards, all while being happily married, with beautiful accomplished children, and traveling the world.  I wonder if there is still time to achieve this crazy, outlandish pipe dream.  Sigh.... and the melancholy wave crests. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a cheerier day.  Husband is working from home, beginning his short summer vacation.  Maybe tomorrow, I will have a new vision for my future.  I am confident in the Bible's promise that God has a plan for me...  I will seek it out still.

Mothers of Preschoolers

Each one arrives, many carrying a child laden car seat as well as one child or more trailing behind.  Burdened down with diaper bags and baby paraphernalia, they more or less stumble into the foyer. For a few, this bi-monthly meeting is the only 'break' from their preschoolers they will receive.  Babies are dropped off in the nursery, older children escorted to the preschooler room, mothers and infants arrive in the "Mom's room" for a time of refreshment.

I engage the newest mom, asking about her dear ones she has attached at the hip, trying to make her as comfortable as possible.  Our focus group is Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) so we are an accommodating group, not minding a baby in a mother's arms or the preschooler who needs to be near Mom until comfortable with surroundings.

Each lady is craving conversation on an adult level.  Mothering little people is an exhausting, 24 hour/7 days a week task.  Talking with the under 3.5 foot set is not always stimulating or fulfilling. Changing dirty diapers does not earn a word of appreciation.  The constant task of picking up toys, making meals, cleaning up the house, doing laundry, breaking up arguments, and rescuing toddlers from near-death experiences is usually under-appreciated.  The rewards are dandelion bouquets, sticky finger hugs and kisses, and adorable children.  These same children we mothers love so deeply can frustrate us to unbelievable measures.  It stuns us to our core leaving us feeling guilty for our anger, hurt, frustration. and disillusionment.  This is not what motherhood is suppose to be like.  It is suppose to be sweet smiling children, smelling like Johnson's baby lotion.  Obedient ones that does not put rocks up noses or throw temper tantrums.  Never prone to biting, hitting, or  smearing of fecal matter all over the floor and wall.  Always coloring on paper and never on the walls.  Children with clean faces and combed hair.  Siblings that love one another never screaming at ear piercing decibels.

A mother learns much about herself on the journey of motherhood.  She can be shocked by her lack of patience.  Disillusioned by the tasked itself.  Disappointed in her husband's lack of fathering skills.  Frustrated by lack of money, undependable vehicles, running noses, barking coughs, toys everywhere, dirty clothes and dishes, and lack of independence and flexibility.  Sometimes all that is required is a word of appreciation, a hug, a word of praise, chocolate, a listening ear. and hearing the phrase "this too shall pass."  Knowing she is not alone, that her situation is not unique can be a saving life line.

Gaining support of other women in the same phase is an all important, non-to-be-missed time.  We discuss everything from infant behavior to normal and abnormal preschool behavior; the strong willed child to the very timid child; marriage to in-law relationships;  As a mentor mom, I have 'been there, done that' in many of the situations to some degree or another.  Often I feel less than wise, these are phases that usually have to be traveled, sometimes I did not travel them well.  My goal is share the lessons I learned and continue to learn and offer encouragement.  

I am honored to gather with these ladies.  I miss the preschool years of my children and try to encourage these women to savor the moment, it passes by all too quickly.  I try to give an attitude and words of grace.  Empower them to trust their gut instincts in mothering.  Brainstorm solutions to difficult situations.  Each mother is beautiful, unique, and delightful.  They allow me to cuddle their newborns, listen to my bit of experience, and call me friend. 

Joseph - Actions Louder Than Words

As we approach the ending of 2011, I pause to send you Christmas greetings.  A time to reflect on the birth of Jesus.  The celebrate on the beginning of His human life as fully man and fully God.  Born to a young virgin and a hard working carpenter.  This year I have pondered Joseph.  Not much is recorded regarding Joseph.  His words are not quoted only his actions.  Actions speak louder than words. 

Joseph was a man of integrity.  What did he feel or think when he learned of Mary's condition?   I imagine feelings of betrayal.  How could she do this to him?  How did he misjudge her?  Maybe he wondered if Mary's father had deceived him, did they think he was so gullible?  And yet despite his reeling feelings he thought to quietly divorce her to protect her, rather than have her publically disgraced and stoned as was his right.  He must have loved Mary very much and/or respected her family highly.

Joseph was a devout Jewish man and responsive to God.  An angel visits him in a dream.   Would you believe a dream in which an angel visits you?  Would you distrust your dreamy, hazy memories?  It must have been a powerful, memorable dream with high impact.  Certainly if the Angel of the Lord visited my dream, I would remember it vividly.  In this dream, he is told to take Mary as his wife and name the baby Jesus, for the babe conceived within her was from the Holy Spirit.  Again, Joseph's words are not recorded but his actions are that of obedience.  It must have been frightful to take this bold action.  What would the community think of him, would his business suffer, would he be ostracized, would his family disown him?  And yet he obeyed.  He surely must have been convinced his "dream" was an actual visit from God.

Joseph was a leader, the head of his household.  When the census decree was declared, he embarked on a journey with his very pregnant, young wife.    A long distance to obey the law, it must have been tempting bend the truth, leave Mary behind as they were only betrothed, their marriage not yet consummated.  I envision him carefully assisting Mary on this journey, watching over her, anxiously trying to provide for her needs on this arduous journey.   This young lady was carrying God, the angel had told him such.

He had a very big responsibility without this journey, being the chosen earthly father of God!!  Can you imagine his frustration when he arrived in Bethlehem to be unable to find lodging?   He must have nearly been frantic.  Mary would have been obviously pregnant near time of delivery.  He must have wondered what God thought of him being unable to provide adequate lodging for Mary.  Perhaps feelings of failure plagued him.  How could he let God down by allowing the mother of His son stay in a stable surrounded by animals?  

Wouldn't you know, that is exactly where and when the baby was to be born.  In a smelly stable, not a proper home.  Was he able to find someone to assist Mary through the delivery?  Were they alone?  He may have wondered what God thought of him now.  Certainly this was not the place for God to enter human life.  But what choice did Joseph have at the time?   His resources were limited being a simple man of simple means and the small village was full due to the census.

The timing of the story is a bit uncertain.  I haven't been able to discern, in my casual research, how long they would have been in Bethlehem for the census.  But we do know that shepherds caring for their flocks in a nearby field were visited by angels proclaiming Christ's birth.  These shepherds found and visited this new family and told them of their story of the angels' proclamations.  Likely the shepherds' presence and story stirred up the surrounding community.  A birth usually draws people but this would be incredulous, people would naturally be curious.  Can you imagine the questions he would have had to answer over and over?  Joseph would have been likely fielding many visitors all while trying to understand what was going on around him.   The son of God born in a stable, angel visits, shepherds, and then wonder of wonders... Kings from afar who followed a star that stops above their own dwelling.   Kings...really?  A star??  Surely he and Mary saw this star.   How could the kings have known this star would lead them to Jesus?  They arrive with gifts - magnificent gifts, much beyond what a carpenter likely ever possessed.    It would have been very overwhelming.

Now we come to the part in this saga of crazy King Herod.  He is determined to kill this baby that threatens his throne.  Again, Joseph is visited by an angel in a dream.  The dream must have struck fear in his heart  as he is told his family is danger from King Herod and to leave immediately.  Again, we have little documented history.  It is recorded he bravely packed up his little family and made for Egypt.  Did he dare tell anyone, even new found friends who are potentially in danger?  Such a lonely position. 

Had Joseph ever traveled so far previously?  We do not know.  I will assume he had never been to Egypt.  How unsettling this must have been for a newlywed husband with a young baby that is not his but God's.  A young wife far away from her mother and family learning how to care for an infant.  Her body recovering from labor and delivery.  All the challenges of being a newlywed and a new parent and now to be on the run for their lives.  Starting a new life in a new country.  Could life be more challenging?  And yet Joseph obeys.

This is all the information I have of Jesus' earthly, adopted father during the time of Jesus' birth.  I like to think  I would have desired to be his friend. Maybe I would have thought he and Mary a bit off kilter.  After all, they would have been telling stories of angels, miraculous pregnancy, shepherds, stars, kings, and other incredulous things.  Yet,  I get a sense his was a respected man of his community.  An intelligent, kind, tender-hearted, hard working, loving man.

Yes, actions speak louder than words.  Josephs actions speak volumes.    It makes me ponder what my actions say about me...  hmmmmm.

Birthdays and Aging

Today is my birthday.  I am another year older, hopefully a little wiser, and young at heart.  I am now at the stage of aging when many do not care to acknowledge the number.  Some dislike birthdays altogether.  I have a few thoughts of my own on this subject.

This past spring, I lost a friend to a cruel disease, Jacob Cruezfeldt at the young age of 42.  She is survived by her husband and two young sons.  Her age is one of those numbers that many wish they did not achieve, instead desiring to stay at some younger age.  In previous years I have lost a cousin at 48, another acquaintance around 45, and yet another at 52,  an my (ex) brother-in-law at 47.  I empathized with friends and acquaintances in life and Facebook of young children's passing due to accidents and disease.  This has altered my perspective on birthdays and aging.

I do not particularly enjoy the aging process.   The aches, the pains, the fatigue.  I am not really fond of gray hairs although I try to have fun calling them sparkles and cover them up with dye.  The wrinkles are not overly appealing.  Yet.... I am here, I am alive, I am mostly healthy!  I do not wish to lose sight of how fortunate I am.   The Psalmist said it best in Psalm 39:4

 ⁴ “Show me, LORD, my life’s end
   and the number of my days;
   let me know how fleeting my life is.

Psalm 139:13-16 tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that before I was created all my days were ordained.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

 I read in Ecclesiastes 8:8a that I have no power when my life will end any more than I can contain the wind.

"As no one has power over the wind to contain it, so no one has power over the time of their death."

Today I am 41 years old.  Blessed to celebrate another year of life!  I am not guaranteed another year, month, or even day.   I am hopeful to celebrate many, many more.  As many as the Lord allows, I plan to celebrate the days and years I have been given.

                                

 

 

 

Dewindling Summer

Summer time!  It is already August.  Summer months are quickly coming to an end.  I had grand plans to blog regularly.  Ha!  Summer took over and blogging was a fleeting ideal.   Here in the upper midwest, one must take advantage of these minimal days of long day light hours and warm temperatures.  All too soon, colder temperatures and darkness will descend leaving but a shadow of a memory of summer.

Honestly, my favorite season is Autumn.  It is still warm during the day but the humidity is gone.  The ground is dry and crunchy.  Oh, and I admittedly I am one who likes to wear shorts with a sweatshirt.  Crazy but true.  The downside to Autumn is the constant lessening of daylight hours.  I crave daylight and the long dark days of late autumn and winter are disheartening. 

I am getting ahead of myself... you are probably wondering what I have been doing this summer.  A better question to ask is what is God doing in my life this summer?  Along with mowing the lawn every four to five days, trying to stay cool in the rather ridiculous humidity, I have been seeking God's direction in my life.

This fall is a transition for our family that directly impacts my lifestyle.  After eight years of homeschooling both of my children will be attending school outside our homes.  We are all excited for this transition.  I believe my children have the foundation academically and, more importantly, spiritually to attend school.  Yet this change means that for the first time in 16 years I will have considerable time to myself during the school hours.

As I have pondered the upcoming 'freedom', I have been wondering exactly what I should do with my time.  I am a bit on the lazy side coupled that I am not one  with a desire for an immaculate house (i.e. not a great housekeeper) could be a recipe for a self-centered disaster.  So I have been praying.

Prayer is powerful.  My lazy summer turned into a summer of opportunities to serve in our community.  I have seen first hand and been able to serve those living at poverty level.  Each time I come away humbled and reminded of how blessed and privileged I am in these challenging economic times.

I also had the opportunity to serve at a Christian camp that had an influx of registrations for Jr. High camp.  I answered a plea for help as they sought out additional counselors.  I had a fun and exhausting week.  My cabin was full of a group of beautiful young ladies who stole my heart.  I have the honor of praying for them as they have returned home to finish summer vacation and return to school.  I am reminded that life is not easy for anyone but for teenagers, life is even more challenging!

Now I am looking at the final weeks of summer and wondering just what fall will look like... I believe God has been preparing me for something.  I just am not sure exactly what it is yet.  I am considering taking some classes and researching out ideas in this direction.  I am not necessarily looking for a degree but additional Biblical training and discipleship training seems appropriate. 

I want to be the best I can be in God's Army.  I am a bit scared and at the same thrilled to say "Here am I, use me, send me!"  I am not perfect but neither was Moses, Noah, Joseph, Naomi and Ruth, Job, or David.  I am learning to trust God and let Him make my weaknesses His strengths.

In the meantime, I am sad that summer is ending.  The less structured pace, the sometimes lazy days are all too quickly coming to an end.  Now it is time to prepare for the first days of school and activities.  As well as time to prepare for all that God has in store for me in this next phase of life.