Lessons of anxiety

Some lessons of high anxiety learned this month:

1. There isn't always a sound reason for the anxiety
2. The symptoms do manifest in the physical body
3. Talking does help
4. Listening to advice is important but MORE important is to DO something
5. Breathe deeply
6. Take one moment; one day at a time
7. Tell me to 'get over it' is easier said than done
8. Help me find the humor in the situation
9. Pray for me, hold me, listen to me
10. It is vital to remind myself of truth as anxiety feeds on lies (make a list to combat thoughts of mis-truths)
11. Surround myself with those who will tell me the truth and help me to discern truth
12. Things will get better - with time.

Who's that in the mirror?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who you were seeing? Maybe felt confident, assured but then something rocked your core? Have you wondered and considered why all of the sudden you can't cope as usual? Who is this person in the mirror?

This week, I have looked in the mirror, the inner mirror and wondered who I am? From where did this stem? Well, I adopted a dog. She is bigger than I had intended, was a little impulsive and brought this 80 pound, not as mellow as was told, dog into my home. I asked all sorts of questions, except the cat question. I have cats, what was I thinking?

Gracie is an 80 pound, 4.5 year old, lab/springer mix dog. A city dog that has not seen much wild life much less a cat. My home is small and an active, hyper, cat fixated dog is messing with my nerves! I haven't eaten, slept much at all in 4 days. Great weight loss program but not recommended.

But I wonder, why am I not coping? It is change, but I brought this change upon myself. Both of my children fell in love with her and when I discussed with them the idea that Gracie may be able to stay with us - they burst into tears. I was particularly surprised by DD#1's reaction. She wasn't sure about a dog in previous discussions but now is in total adoration of Gracie.

What is a mother to do? DH who wasn't desiring a dog, has been incredibly supportive! Discussing underground fence and other ideas to smooth things over.

But my anxiety! I have never felt like this previously. I am high strung and prone to over think and over react. But this is different, usually I eat and eat under stress; now I can't hardly tolerate food. My thoughts are racing, my chest hurts, I feel sick to my stomach.... I have wondered if I am losing my mind.

I have family members who deal with high anxiety. DH has suggested that God is using this experience to give me greater empathy. So is this a lesson from God's book? DD#1 likes having a constant companion (now for Gracie to bond with her more than I).

I have much to work through... live in the moment, deal with the things that concern me as they come, not worry about the future, not over-reactive, find the positives, breathe deep, relax, talk to the Lord, and stay focused on Him.

Already, Gracie is teaching us the importance of exercise, routine, calm assertiveness, living in the moment.

More lessons to come.... now for the cats and dog to sort out their dominance *sigh*

Outgoing? Alone in a crowd?

I am a person that is 'accused' of being outgoing. I guess one would believe it by some of my actions. Although I usually argue that I am not outgoing, which is received with much laughter and disbelief. I really am not terribly outgoing - my actions are a cover for my shyness, a learned behavior.

I have a Facebook account. I recently noticed the number of friends I have on this account. I was rather stunned by the many, many 'friends' I have on this account.

Many are family members, many live in my community but I am not in touch with and others live afar and have recently become reconnected.

Some of the family grouping are extended family that live in another country. It has been very grand to be more acquainted with these family members. I am feeling more confident of traveling to visit them one day, with just a bit more knowledge of them through the virtual world.

Others, quite a few, in fact are family members of my husband. I have to admit it has been fun to get to know this vast family. We live all over the upper mid-west and are not in contact much. Added to the challenge in knowing these family members is we have been unable to attend the last few reunions.

Another grouping of friends are from my school days. I must admit I don't remember some of them very well at all. But I find it entertaining to learn of who and where those I attended school with are today.

Yet another group is also from my childhood - family friends, church friends of yore. As with school friends I find it much easier to remember many of these folk if they have some 'old' photos of themselves posted.

I am not very 'close' to hardly any of these folks, but I am connected to them in some manner. The virtual world has given me, I fear, a sense of false intimacy. But I do have more to visit with these if I bump into them on the street. Small talk is easier - always a bit of a challenge for me.

Another grouping are those that are in my life day-in-day out sometimes monthly. Mostly friends of my adult life. We do not have a connection any older than maybe the last 1 day -15 years. And others are youth - which is the real reason I am on Facebook - to make sure my on DD is 'safe' in this virtual world.

All of this to say: I KNOW a lot of people. But I am friends with a limited few. I can be in a room with many of these folks and feel very alone. I really am a shy girl at heart. I hid behind my parents as a youngster - peeking out. I was dreadfully afraid of making a phone call. I have developed skills to cover for these shy traits. But it really is a cover.

I don't 'like' to be alone. I certainly don't want others to feel alone and thus usually start a conversation to make me and whoever feel better. Ha ha. It is rouse. By the end of the event I am usually tired and need some recharge time. Time alone, or with a very small number of individuals. Ones who really know me for who I am - a direct, not always tactful, big hearted, puts foot in mouth but means well, tender individual. I am not sure of where I fit in- if anywhere.

In a room with lots of people I am really uncomfortable. I tend to be a wall-flower. I do not feel like I am quit witted or chatty enough to 'work a room.' I do much better with 6 or less in a crowd.

So.... how did I ever get such a large number of 'friends?' For a shy girl, I sure do know a lot of people. Wonders will never cease.

Cherry Tree

Several years ago DD#2 planted a cherry tree, okay her dad planted a cherry tree for her in our front yard. We carefully selected the spot, dug the hole, planted the tree, watered it. We watered it for the first year or two rather consistently. It seemed to be thriving. Then I noticed as I mowed around this stick in the ground that it produced buds but no leaves. The following year nothing. Then the next year 5 little leaves on a little branch. I left it in the ground another year. This year it obviously was not producing. I grew tired of mowing around this stick in the ground.



A few weeks ago, I took a shovel and began the process of digging up this sad little stick in the ground once called a cherry tree. Wow! I had dug up dead small trees in the past and it really wasn't much effort. This little thing had developed a decent sized root ball and had put down a tap root. It had thrived long enough to put down a long root deep into the ground. I widened my hole I was digging, went a little deeper. I tugged and pulled - - this tree wasn't giving up willingly.

Finally in the end, I went fetched a hand saw and cut off the root ball and tree from the tap root. Filled the hole with dirt and replaced the sod. The tree had been removed but the long tap root remains. I am certain that now it will begin to decay.

Sadly this strong root did not provide the nourishment to produce any fruit on our little tree. DD#2 is sad as she planted the tree at the tender age of 7. She had hoped to visit this tree in her older age. Her sister's Maple tree is growing so she is rightly disappointed. This fall or next spring we will help her obtain and plant a new tree.

This process gave me thoughts to ponder. I recently shared my thoughts with a group of wonderful friends and together we "fleshed" out the analogies a bit.

1. A person's walk with the Lord can be like this tree - - planted, watered, loved, thriving, put down roots in their Walk with the Lord. But then stop receiving nourishment and stop maturing ceasing to grow and produce fruit.

2. A person's walk with the Lord can be like this tree - - carefully planted, watered, loved, begin to thrive, put down a deep root system, be sturdy underground, where no-one sees, but look dead above. Rooted in the Lord but not maturing, growing, or producing fruit. Eventually the Gardener, our Heavenly Father, comes along and prunes the garden. Removed from the garden - although the roots remain, deep underground. Thankfully with our relationship with God, unlike my little tree, these roots be can revived and a new life begin to grow.

There are several analogies with this tree and it's root system. These are just two. I remember being overwhelmed with these "ponderings" as I dug away at the roots of this tree. I am so glad that I serve to a loving, merciful God.

Parenting Milestone

Today is a milestone day. DD#1 registered for highschool.

It was just a year or two ago, that a toddler was at my feet. Somehow, time has slipped and she is now a young lady. A young lady entering highschool.

It is huge step. Understand, we have been a homeschooling family for the past 7 years. Other than Kindergarten and 1st grade we have schooled at home. Now we are going to enter the public school arena again. DD#1 is apprehensive, I can see it in her face. Guess what? So am I. No one told me how tied up emotionally I would be upon becoming a mother. How silly I was to think I was done with school upon my high school graduation.

This registration was also a pass/fail test for me. Have we prepared our child academically? Is she ready? Not only academically, but emotionally too. The registration itself was rather easy - not too many choices for freshman. Whew... that step complete.

Now we prepare for fall. The first day, first week, first quarter, first semester. Next year, every morning, my precious DD will leave our home and go to school. I think I'll miss her. And yet I am relieved that I am not solely responsible for the highschool transcript. I'm sure that I would have overcome... but it is a relief.

I think this will be beneficial for DD#1. It will provide opportunities to expand beyond her parents. I am confident in her discernment skills and maturity. She is intelligent and proven herself so I am not concerned about the studies being too challenging. More concerned they may not be challenging enough!

I am nervous for her - how could I not be? My first day of highschool was nerve wrecking enough and I attended the same school system for most of my life. This is her return to 'formal' education since a small child. Thankfully, this is a small highschool. DD knows a few other students - all from really neat families.

Now, exactly how did I get old enough to have a highschooler? I still feel like I am growing up and learning of myself. I guess time marches on relentlessly.

Grand Adventure: Ending, not so grand

What begins must end. Our vacation comes to an end. We have many memories of things we saw and were able to do. Other family memories such as the naked sock puppet, fake discounts, Radiator Springs, leaping deer, and DD#2 talking in her sleep.

For me, I have returned home ill. Hubby too. Last night my ear exploded in pain - child birth had nothing on this ear pain. Well, maybe not quite so, but at end of labor pains you have a reward of a bundle of joy. The excruciating ear pain has no such rewards. Unfortunately, it was late on a Sunday night and the only medical services available at that time is the Emergency Room. I had to 'gut it out' until morning.

Prayer, acetaminophen, warm compresses, and decongestant finally gave me some relief of the pain. This morning I was first in line at the clinic. The doctor confirmed my diagnosis of ear infection. Yeah - no kidding, doc! He prescribed antibiotics, decongestants, and fluids.

And thus ends our grand adventure. It was Grand indeed.