Marriage - half my life

Another milestone in my life. 20 years of marriage which equals half of my life. I married young and during an era when our peers were trying each other out by living together. We made the more traditional commitment of getting married then living together.

I recently attended a mini-seminar during a ladies retreat where I was asked: when getting married what were two of your expectations. I pondered on that question as my "classmates" began writing down their answers. Later I learned some of them... that we would be 'happy happy happy'; 'we'd be in love always'...

Admittedly, my memory is poor. So I had to 'think' like my 19 year old self. I remembered being starry eyed in love, planning a big traditional wedding. I remember feeling those mushy feelings of love and thinking my 'man' was so cute! I desired to spend every moment possible with him.

I also remembered the stress of planning the wedding, caught between my desires and our parents' ideas of appropriateness for the event. I distinctly recall telling him that if I couldn't "please" all these people in planning "my" wedding maybe we shouldn't get married. My husband-to-be held me close and assured me he loved me and I need not "please" these others, and a wedding event did not make a marriage. (Later his grandmother reminded me to always take care of my husband and children first).

We were so terribly young. I didn't think so at the time, but looking back we were very young. At our wedding he was 22 years old and I had just turned 20. The arrogance of youth, the confidence of youth, the audacity of youth. And naive in our our youthfulness.

We chose to marry at a the church where, interestingly, we had met. In God's infinite wisdom we were fortunate to have a seasoned semi-retired minister be assigned to perform our wedding ceremony. As part of having our wedding in this church we were required to attend some pre-marriage classes and well as several private sessions with our minister. I recall the classes covering topics on money, the importance of saving money and balancing your checkbook. We didn't have any money at the time so that was easy for us at the moment. Another topic was on sexual purity, waiting until your wedding night. Hmmmmm, can't recall any of the other topics but I remember there six total classes and being bored silly. Ha ha.

Our time with Pastor Nelson was the most instrumental. A seasoned minister and a veteran spouse. He talked us through all the potential pitfalls and challenges in marriage. What will you do; how will you feel if you can't have children? Oh, by the way, how many children to do you want, please answer individually. How will you handle financial stress? Illness? Most importantly, I remember learning from him that marriage would involve lots of compromises... he recommended we skip the tube toothpaste and go right for the pump or at minimum get two tubes. He guaranteed us that one would want to squeeze from the bottom and the other from the top. Yep, he was right.

I don't recall all that dear man counseled us, but I know it stuck. We were marrying in an time when the divorce rate was 50%. Our friends were rejecting marriage in favor of living together. We were odd: being very young when many were not getting married until after college and careers were started; we hadn't dated many others; our dating relationship was short. He prayed with us and I believe continued to pray for us through out his remaining years.

So back to those two expectations. I wrote down: we'd be married forever and we'd have children. Thus far, two decades of marriage and two children.

It hasn't been easy. There were times that I didn't want to be married to him but didn't want to leave without him. We've had our struggles over money, parenting, household jobs, communication, .... But I made a resolution 20 years ago to live my life with this man, for better or for worse. I don't care for the worse, so I have sought the better - even when it wasn't so good. Am I soooo happy I have fought for it!

I am still crazy in love with my husband. He is the best! My starry eyed love still shows but has grown into more of a deep, admiring love for an individual who stays with me, loves me, cares for me all while knowing all my faults. Believe me, I am not easy to live with, often I can't live with myself. I definitely got the better end of this deal!

Parenting Acrostic

I had the privilege of sharing a short talk/devotion at my sister-in-law's baby shower. This is what I shared with everyone:

PARENTING

P is for prayer. Parenting is praying. It is our highest calling and greatest privilege to pray for our child. Seeking God’s guidance, wisdom for this child placed in your responsibility.

A is for advocate. As a parent, you alone will feel the deep desire for success, care, love, etc of your child.
You are their biggest cheerleader, bully, protector, strongest VOICE for your child. Advocate for your child’s well being, education, friends, etc.

R is for rejoice. Rejoice in your child, in each and every stage. Celebrate who he/she is, her/his accomplishments. Sometimes a child is not who you dreamed it would be – rejoice in how God made him/her.

E is for exhaustion. Parenting takes a lot of energy. Sleepless nights, continuous motion, activities, projects, chasing after small legs that never seem to tire. Take care of yourself to keep up with this bundle of energy.

N is for nurturing. Providing for the needs of food, shelter, love, security. Take care of your relationship with the Lord, your marriage, yourself, your children. One of the very best to give your child stability and security… keep your marriage important, your family strong.

T is for Teaching/Training. A parent is a child’s first, ever present, and most powerful teacher. It begins with learning how to eat, sleep, talk, walk, sit down, be quite, manners, behavior. Balance with love and discipline. Discipline is as important as love.

I is for Intuition. A parent’s “gut” is God given! You are more in tune with your child than anyone else. Listen to it and if necessary make others listen to it!

N is for Never..give up. Each child is precious and parenting will likely be your most challenging job. Through any situation with your child - NEVER give up. God put this child into your life know you were the perfect parent! Take a break for a weekend (many willing to help you) but never give up.

G is for Go. Go back to prayer. When you think you have prayed enough, go back and pray again.


Now for the 'fun' acrostic:

P = peeing, pooping, puking
A = accidents
R = running
E = exhaustion
N = naps
T = teasing
I = imagination
N = naps
G = giggles

Another Year; Another Decade

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday. The celebrations for those years that end in Zero seems to warrant bigger celebrations.

When you turn 10 - it is very exciting to enter the two digit world, oh to go back to the single digits.
When you turn 20 - life is very exciting and liberating. You are thought of as an adult, finally.
When you turn 30 - You realize that 29 is the age you will remain, time is going by to swiftly.
When you turn 40 - WHOA! put on the breaks, life is speeding by quickly. Hey, where did those gray hairs come from - - that's not ME in the mirror.

That is my experience thus far - up to date, as of yesterday LOL

What will be 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 - yes 100, need to stay around that long to torture, I mean love, my children :)

I have been tending to make big celebrations the year before the 'zero' year. For my 29th birthday I talked my dad into rising early to make and serve pancakes at the local Threshing Show - an annual festival that 'must' be attended.

My 39th birthday - well now that was a bash. Girlfriends together, in costume and character for the evening.... I was a lady of status and money (LOL LOL), we had a detective, a cow girl, a serf, a medieval queen, a toddler... we dined; we piled in an SUV, rolled down the windows waving at everyone singing ABBA at full volume; packaged food for starving children; and watched a comedy video. Just being silly!! OH it was fun!

Now my 40th I spent with my family. Three months prior I bought tickets to see the Broadway production of Wicked which nicely is playing during my birthday in my town. Good thing I bought those tickets three months ahead of time. About a month prior to my birthday, I had adopted a dog, expensive deal, who knew? She was free after all! Had I not had the tickets I think hubby would have given me a picture of Gracie and declared it my gift.

Now the dog.... she has been brought several projects one of which was installing an underground fence around about 3 acres of our property. She has a propensity to chase the my precious kitties, something I am not pleased about with her. However, the cats will run into the barn for safety. Unfortunately, the floor to the shed never did get finished so the openings under the door allow even a large dog to get underneath. This just won't do, as once in the shed, Gracie runs everywhere, terrorizing. SO...... this requires dirt, lots of dirt. Something that needed to be done years and years ago. Now it must be done.

Back to my birthday. The morning of my birthday, 80 tons of dirt arrived. What more could a girl want? I mean really, this is great, previously I have received a lawn sweeper, another birthday a nail gun with 3,000 nails but dirt, now dirt, that is extra special.

Before the dirt can be spread, the shed must be cleaned out. OH WHAT A JOB! 12 years of stuff, equipment, stuff, to move, clean out, sort through. UGH! Hubby has a tendency to keep stuff along with tractors, combine, hay baler, skid steer, lawn mowers, a car that needs fixing, tools, tools, stuff, stuff, ladders.... you get the idea.

Back to the morning of my birthday... I started out going to exercise, then I got to stop at the city recycling center to off load a lot of cardboard (from the shed), then home to clean out the shed and pay for the dirt, then into town to take the aluminum cans to the recycling center, back home to shovel dirt and clean out more stuff. I did get to drive the skid steer! Yes, a girl can do that too.

This was my morning and afternoon - - cleaning out and shoveling dirt. What a special day. Sound exciting yet? I'm tired.

But the real fun was yet to come: hubby and I got cleaned up, dressed up, and made our way to the city. We had dinner reservations where they had personalized menus for me! Wishing me a happy birthday. I finally got cake - yummy cheesecake following a meal of lobster and shrimp linguini Diavolo. I could not pass up the appetizer of Portabello Mushroom and Goat Cheese Bruschetta, very yummy. It was all delicious! I even managed to not over eat (i.e. not clean my plate). So I was pleasantly full.

Then we were off to see the show! Sitting next to my best friend, my hubby, watching a fantastic performance of Wicked. Priceless and a memory to treasure for a lifetime.

An excellent way to launch this next decade of life. A fantastic family, a dog, hard work, good food, and great entertainment.

P.S. my children are just wonderful too.... they need not do anything extra special for they are a gift just being part of my life.

Not Enough

Do you ever feel as if what you are and who you are is not enough? If not, I am very happy for you.

For me, however, I have entered a time of feeling that I am not enough.
Not enough for my family (extended)
Not enough for my friends
Not enough for my pets
Not enough for my ministry
Not enough for volunteer hours

I want to yell... I am doing the best I can! or If you could see my heart you would see the real intent!

My wonderful, fantastic hubby is very supportive and helps control the gate on my time and activities. But I struggle so much with the balance. I am privileged to be home full-time. Part of this position is home educating our children - which is a full time job in of itself.

Since hubby works many hours and has a couple of hours commuting each day, he is not home much during the day. He arrives home in the evening at about the time I must leave if the children or I have an activity. We become ships passing not seeing each other. I have strove to keep those evening activities limited and sporadic to allow for family time. But life being what it is... it is Not Enough.

Summer adds additional challenges. Lawn mowing, which this year has been about every 5 days. At 4-5 hours on the mower each time this is a significant time chunk. I get opportunities to visit with friends that I do not get to see during the school year. I fear my regular friends feel neglected and left out. *sigh* Not Enough.

Family has different demands - not just in physical time but emotional time. I am not who they want me to be and I feel the continual tugs to be different. *sigh* Not enough. Please see inside me and see my tender heart... some of my actions are protective actions. I have done all I can do, relationships are what they are and it takes two to dance.

I am blessed with many friends... I just can't be there and do everything with them. I have chosen my family as my priority... which means I get them to their activities and strive to be home or out with them in the evenings. Tough balancing act to do these things while mowing the lawn, taking care of the house, laundry, and taking the dog out for a walk everyday (which is a good thing for me too). *sigh* Not Enough.

The organization in which I put in many volunteers hours just keeps seeking, well more like demanding, more and more. *sigh* Not Enough.

My poor hubby and children - I fail in providing for them. All too often they are foraging for dinner, on limited supplies because that requires someone to buy groceries. I was thrilled this week to plan and provide three meals in a row! But again - - Not Enough.

I JUST WANT to quit! But quitting is not an option. For it is Not Enough to quit and would not solve anything. My option... to evaluate my priorities and make a plan.

I know my Heavenly Father sees me, hears me, understands me the best. He created and wired me. He is gracious to nudge me in directions I should go or away from paths I am walking. I look to Him to set the standard.

My prayer is that my Heavenly Father would whisper in the ears - she is doing enough. Accept her as I created her. She is following ME and that is enough.

Lessons of anxiety

Some lessons of high anxiety learned this month:

1. There isn't always a sound reason for the anxiety
2. The symptoms do manifest in the physical body
3. Talking does help
4. Listening to advice is important but MORE important is to DO something
5. Breathe deeply
6. Take one moment; one day at a time
7. Tell me to 'get over it' is easier said than done
8. Help me find the humor in the situation
9. Pray for me, hold me, listen to me
10. It is vital to remind myself of truth as anxiety feeds on lies (make a list to combat thoughts of mis-truths)
11. Surround myself with those who will tell me the truth and help me to discern truth
12. Things will get better - with time.

Who's that in the mirror?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who you were seeing? Maybe felt confident, assured but then something rocked your core? Have you wondered and considered why all of the sudden you can't cope as usual? Who is this person in the mirror?

This week, I have looked in the mirror, the inner mirror and wondered who I am? From where did this stem? Well, I adopted a dog. She is bigger than I had intended, was a little impulsive and brought this 80 pound, not as mellow as was told, dog into my home. I asked all sorts of questions, except the cat question. I have cats, what was I thinking?

Gracie is an 80 pound, 4.5 year old, lab/springer mix dog. A city dog that has not seen much wild life much less a cat. My home is small and an active, hyper, cat fixated dog is messing with my nerves! I haven't eaten, slept much at all in 4 days. Great weight loss program but not recommended.

But I wonder, why am I not coping? It is change, but I brought this change upon myself. Both of my children fell in love with her and when I discussed with them the idea that Gracie may be able to stay with us - they burst into tears. I was particularly surprised by DD#1's reaction. She wasn't sure about a dog in previous discussions but now is in total adoration of Gracie.

What is a mother to do? DH who wasn't desiring a dog, has been incredibly supportive! Discussing underground fence and other ideas to smooth things over.

But my anxiety! I have never felt like this previously. I am high strung and prone to over think and over react. But this is different, usually I eat and eat under stress; now I can't hardly tolerate food. My thoughts are racing, my chest hurts, I feel sick to my stomach.... I have wondered if I am losing my mind.

I have family members who deal with high anxiety. DH has suggested that God is using this experience to give me greater empathy. So is this a lesson from God's book? DD#1 likes having a constant companion (now for Gracie to bond with her more than I).

I have much to work through... live in the moment, deal with the things that concern me as they come, not worry about the future, not over-reactive, find the positives, breathe deep, relax, talk to the Lord, and stay focused on Him.

Already, Gracie is teaching us the importance of exercise, routine, calm assertiveness, living in the moment.

More lessons to come.... now for the cats and dog to sort out their dominance *sigh*