Not Enough

Do you ever feel as if what you are and who you are is not enough? If not, I am very happy for you.

For me, however, I have entered a time of feeling that I am not enough.
Not enough for my family (extended)
Not enough for my friends
Not enough for my pets
Not enough for my ministry
Not enough for volunteer hours

I want to yell... I am doing the best I can! or If you could see my heart you would see the real intent!

My wonderful, fantastic hubby is very supportive and helps control the gate on my time and activities. But I struggle so much with the balance. I am privileged to be home full-time. Part of this position is home educating our children - which is a full time job in of itself.

Since hubby works many hours and has a couple of hours commuting each day, he is not home much during the day. He arrives home in the evening at about the time I must leave if the children or I have an activity. We become ships passing not seeing each other. I have strove to keep those evening activities limited and sporadic to allow for family time. But life being what it is... it is Not Enough.

Summer adds additional challenges. Lawn mowing, which this year has been about every 5 days. At 4-5 hours on the mower each time this is a significant time chunk. I get opportunities to visit with friends that I do not get to see during the school year. I fear my regular friends feel neglected and left out. *sigh* Not Enough.

Family has different demands - not just in physical time but emotional time. I am not who they want me to be and I feel the continual tugs to be different. *sigh* Not enough. Please see inside me and see my tender heart... some of my actions are protective actions. I have done all I can do, relationships are what they are and it takes two to dance.

I am blessed with many friends... I just can't be there and do everything with them. I have chosen my family as my priority... which means I get them to their activities and strive to be home or out with them in the evenings. Tough balancing act to do these things while mowing the lawn, taking care of the house, laundry, and taking the dog out for a walk everyday (which is a good thing for me too). *sigh* Not Enough.

The organization in which I put in many volunteers hours just keeps seeking, well more like demanding, more and more. *sigh* Not Enough.

My poor hubby and children - I fail in providing for them. All too often they are foraging for dinner, on limited supplies because that requires someone to buy groceries. I was thrilled this week to plan and provide three meals in a row! But again - - Not Enough.

I JUST WANT to quit! But quitting is not an option. For it is Not Enough to quit and would not solve anything. My option... to evaluate my priorities and make a plan.

I know my Heavenly Father sees me, hears me, understands me the best. He created and wired me. He is gracious to nudge me in directions I should go or away from paths I am walking. I look to Him to set the standard.

My prayer is that my Heavenly Father would whisper in the ears - she is doing enough. Accept her as I created her. She is following ME and that is enough.