Marriage - half my life

Another milestone in my life. 20 years of marriage which equals half of my life. I married young and during an era when our peers were trying each other out by living together. We made the more traditional commitment of getting married then living together.

I recently attended a mini-seminar during a ladies retreat where I was asked: when getting married what were two of your expectations. I pondered on that question as my "classmates" began writing down their answers. Later I learned some of them... that we would be 'happy happy happy'; 'we'd be in love always'...

Admittedly, my memory is poor. So I had to 'think' like my 19 year old self. I remembered being starry eyed in love, planning a big traditional wedding. I remember feeling those mushy feelings of love and thinking my 'man' was so cute! I desired to spend every moment possible with him.

I also remembered the stress of planning the wedding, caught between my desires and our parents' ideas of appropriateness for the event. I distinctly recall telling him that if I couldn't "please" all these people in planning "my" wedding maybe we shouldn't get married. My husband-to-be held me close and assured me he loved me and I need not "please" these others, and a wedding event did not make a marriage. (Later his grandmother reminded me to always take care of my husband and children first).

We were so terribly young. I didn't think so at the time, but looking back we were very young. At our wedding he was 22 years old and I had just turned 20. The arrogance of youth, the confidence of youth, the audacity of youth. And naive in our our youthfulness.

We chose to marry at a the church where, interestingly, we had met. In God's infinite wisdom we were fortunate to have a seasoned semi-retired minister be assigned to perform our wedding ceremony. As part of having our wedding in this church we were required to attend some pre-marriage classes and well as several private sessions with our minister. I recall the classes covering topics on money, the importance of saving money and balancing your checkbook. We didn't have any money at the time so that was easy for us at the moment. Another topic was on sexual purity, waiting until your wedding night. Hmmmmm, can't recall any of the other topics but I remember there six total classes and being bored silly. Ha ha.

Our time with Pastor Nelson was the most instrumental. A seasoned minister and a veteran spouse. He talked us through all the potential pitfalls and challenges in marriage. What will you do; how will you feel if you can't have children? Oh, by the way, how many children to do you want, please answer individually. How will you handle financial stress? Illness? Most importantly, I remember learning from him that marriage would involve lots of compromises... he recommended we skip the tube toothpaste and go right for the pump or at minimum get two tubes. He guaranteed us that one would want to squeeze from the bottom and the other from the top. Yep, he was right.

I don't recall all that dear man counseled us, but I know it stuck. We were marrying in an time when the divorce rate was 50%. Our friends were rejecting marriage in favor of living together. We were odd: being very young when many were not getting married until after college and careers were started; we hadn't dated many others; our dating relationship was short. He prayed with us and I believe continued to pray for us through out his remaining years.

So back to those two expectations. I wrote down: we'd be married forever and we'd have children. Thus far, two decades of marriage and two children.

It hasn't been easy. There were times that I didn't want to be married to him but didn't want to leave without him. We've had our struggles over money, parenting, household jobs, communication, .... But I made a resolution 20 years ago to live my life with this man, for better or for worse. I don't care for the worse, so I have sought the better - even when it wasn't so good. Am I soooo happy I have fought for it!

I am still crazy in love with my husband. He is the best! My starry eyed love still shows but has grown into more of a deep, admiring love for an individual who stays with me, loves me, cares for me all while knowing all my faults. Believe me, I am not easy to live with, often I can't live with myself. I definitely got the better end of this deal!