Wave of Melancholy

The day is typical.  A summer day, the children on break from school, husband at work, beautiful sunshine, unstructured time, laundry, dusting, dishes... a typical day.  I am hit by a wave of melancholy.  I am helpless to its effects as it washes over me.  But I continue through my day, my thoughts heavy, my heart aching.

I remember those who have died, some long ago and others too soon in life.  I ache for a conversation with my grandmother.  The dear lady that was crippled the entirety of the time I knew her.  I recall how her eyes sparkled with interest as she would visit with me.  Today, again, I wish she could have met my husband, my children, shared her memories with me, tell me again how God is going to heal her body and we would go play ball, drive the truck, and make fun.    Instead I ask God to give her a hug and tell her I am thinking of her and I am hoping she is playing ball in heaven.

My thoughts then turn to my husband's grandmother.  I was privileged to know her for a few years in our early marriage.  A woman full of wisdom and mirth.  I miss her grounded words that provided the proper outlook I usually needed at the moment.  I miss her love of mischief.  She always had a story to tell.  I marveled at her dedication to praying for each member of her large family by name every day, her memory at each one's name, birth, marriage, important event.

As the wave of melancholy flowed, my memories of a few who passed away too early in life float to the forefront of my thoughts.  My brother-in-law, who taught me to drive a stick-shift vehicle in his cherished Honda Prelude.  I laugh as I recall that I never drove it after I peeled away from a stop sign during one lesson.  He said to give it more gas and let the clutch out slowly.  I grieve his absence in his own children's lives.

I lament the passing of time, as I realize all to clearly, that my time as a parent with children in my home is swiftly nearing its end.  I miss my little girls, their antics, their zest of learning, imaginative play, and constant energy.  Their curious child sayings as long past, as they now are beautiful young ladies.  I miss our days of home education and fun field trips.

I wish for the time that my friends lived near and the adventures we had as girlfriends and young mothers.  The time we spent dreaming of the future, our lives, and aspirations.  Today, I feel very middle-aged. No, today I feel old.    Time has slipped away and I have a sense of being unaccomplished.  I wonder what difference I have made, what value have I added with my life, in the time I have been given? 

I wish for the clock to turn back, to try to hold onto relationships that have long ago disintegrated due to normal drifting and due to disagreements.  I wonder how those individuals are today, wondering how to reach out to them.

I have an opportunity to write a biography for a digital all-alumni book of my local high school.  I am completely baffled as what to share, it seems so boring.  Married, unemployed outside the home, did not further my education beyond high school diploma, wife, mom, volunteer.  Huh, hardly seems worth submitting.  It would be much more intriguing and value of reading if it read how I received my masters degree in something or another, received promotions and awards, all while being happily married, with beautiful accomplished children, and traveling the world.  I wonder if there is still time to achieve this crazy, outlandish pipe dream.  Sigh.... and the melancholy wave crests. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a cheerier day.  Husband is working from home, beginning his short summer vacation.  Maybe tomorrow, I will have a new vision for my future.  I am confident in the Bible's promise that God has a plan for me...  I will seek it out still.