Funk or Fear

It occurred to me this morning that I have been in a funk lately.  Sometimes it takes a bit for  me to realize that a funky mood has descended upon me.  My revelation came to me gradually as I was going about the business of the day.  The business of the day isn't much today, it is summer vacation and we are experiencing a rather pleasant few days of a slower pace.  But you know what? The 'business of the day' is not the going to be the same for me.  A shift is taking place in my life and it is causing a bit of a funk.  Or maybe it is the long, harsh winter, followed by an extended cold spring, with a shot of extreme summer temps and a wild 50 degree swing in the other direction within a matter of days.  What do you think?

Many things are shifting and changing in my life right now.   Our family is moving in a different direction.  My children are now teenagers and their activities are changing.  They are older, needing less of me which is a good thing, what we strive for as parents.  My role is changing and I did not expect these feelings until they went off to college or moved out of home leaving us with an empty nest.

For the past eight years I have been homeschooling our children.  Last year my oldest child attended school outside of our home and it now appears that the youngest will be joining her this fall.  My days of homeschooling are over.  I have had children at my side for the past 15.5 years.  It is  hard to imagine days without them and being home alone.   I feel adrift, a bit useless, and unneeded.  Frankly, I am lacking  direction. The kids are only going to be gone to school for 7 hours each day.  Sheesh, what's my problem, right?

Additionally, in the past 6-9 months we have left an organization that, I, in particular had been highly involved in as an adult volunteer.  It was not anticipated to cease participating altogether, but that is what happened, and seemly rather suddenly.  I have been exploring my options but haven't quite figured out how to incorporate it all into this new phase of our life.

All this means that the community of people I have been associated with for the past eight years will be continuing on without me.  It is natural that to feel a bit a drift during change, I guess.  But it is uncomfortable.

I have a few ideas as to how to fill my new found "freedom" but frankly I am a bit afraid. I am not the ultimate homemaker so the thought of cleaning and cooking 28 hours (random number) of the week will likely morph into 28 hours of avoidance on Facebook, surfing the internet, and watching tv.  I could get a job but in reality the kids still need me for taxi service and homework assistance, a job could make this challenging -  - oh okay, I don't want a job, who am I kidding? 

Add to this thought process an email I received about the future of America (it was a forward and it made some valid points) but I started to feel a little bit of anxiety over these things which I have no control. 

I went for a walk, borrowing my child's iPod, I put on the headphones and started playing Casting Crowns (we just purchased 4 of their CDs).  My mind did not focus on the music but rather on the future and the uncertainty of it.  I said (in my mind) "God, I am afraid of the future."  Almost instantly the words: "Do not be afraid, for I am the Lord your God;  I am always with you." 

 I then recalled how the Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years with the cloud leading them - they had left behind all they knew and had no knowledge of the future. Can you imagine the uncertainty and anxiety of these people? All the jobs and tasks they knew before were to be no more. What would they do? How would they function? Where would they live? Their whole lives had shifted dramatically. They could only follow.  And I realized, God was with them in that cloud or pillar of fire.  He never left them, He always provided,  and He always made a way.

Wow.  I still do not have the answers for the future.  I still don’t have any control over the uncontrollable; I still do not know what my role will be as we make this family shift.  But I am feeling more confident in the reminder that God is always with me, leading me, walking beside me, carrying me.  Even in a time of storm - which for me, at this moment, is a time of uncertainty.

"I will Praise you in this Storm
and I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this Storm"

The last song I heard on the iPod as I walked up the driveway to the backdoor.